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Here is sweet AJ. I am really looking forward to meeting him in 6 days!!!

This wonderful little rose was blooming at the Portland LDS temple. I could not resist capturing the rain drops. It was so beautiful to me....could have been my after session peaceful feeling but I really do think it is a lovely flower.  Portland is the city of roses. They are everywhere. There are hundreds of varieties. Shapes colors and smells. I love the rose garden...a park full of thousands of roses for the public to tour. Next week starts the two week rose festival. I am excited it is pretty fun. Last year I watched the light parade from the cozy comfort of my dental office. It is a perfect way to avoid the crowds on the street..

What a week it has been. I was mentally prepared to sign papers to end my marriage. It is harder than I ever thought. Dan was having a hard time also. It made me ask....do you want to give it another try? Luckily Dan did not answer. So I did. I said no. I think without the things I have learned the last few weeks I would have begged him to come back. Why do I want some bad love over no love? It is kind of disturbing to me. I have always liked being alone. And I still do. Right now I am watching what I want on tv wearing what I want eating dinner...what I want (luckily tonight is salad with chicken--no more cocoa puffs with marshmallows ha ha ha). I am doing what I want but I am lonely. I am aching today. It has been a hard one today for some reason.

It started last night as I fell asleep I had a bad dream. It was about being trapped in an earthquake and the terror and the feeling of motion scared me awake...I might have screamed. Anyway, it scared me. I was ready for 'fight or flight'. My muscles had access to adrenaline and sugar. It took some time to calm down but I did. I wished I had someone to snuggle with and comfort and keep me safe. I repeated this sequence three times last night. It was horrible. Not only did I dream of scary earthquakes, floods and being stuck on a bridge with a semi truck blaring down ready to hit me but I dreamt of having a 3-some. It is not the first time I have but dang....I need to get those thoughts under control and wrapped back up and buried deep inside me.

The combination of these dreams caused me to be extra lonely today. I tried to go shopping for some retail therapy. I needed some new bras. I shop at the fat girl store because that is what size I am. I love me. I am happy with myself but I know what size I am and I have to get that size at a specific place. I am shopping and see some cute bra styles. I try one on and alas....not a good fit. I knew this because my current bras are not fitting as they should. I am so upset and traumatized that I have to now special order my bras. It is really bothering me. I know I am a big woman. But now I am an enormous woman. Sigh.

Friends, many of you know how much I love music. I really do love music and I have lost that since moving to Portland. Josh has relit this fire in me. I am discovering music I already had and new stuff-even country.
The sweetest thing that Josh does is give me songs to listen to. He communicates with song. I tried to with Dan but it did not work. Josh is very careful giving me songs to listen to. I admit some of them have freaked me out. I am technically married. I am not sure I am ready to get into another relationship (even though I am lonely).  I want to share how sweet and wonderful and kind and careful Josh is with me. Some of the songs he had me listen to were....Heaven (Little by Little) by Theory of a Deadman, Thing for You by Hinder, Yours to Hold by Skillet. Take Me There by Rascal Flats (Jami I am just beginning to understand your love of these boys. They are truly amazing!!!! ) There are  quite a few more country songs but I am shy and they mean a lot to me and my tender heart. Am I being wooed with song? Yes. Am I happy about it? Yes. Is Josh why Dan feels neglected? YES! Am I in over my head? Yes. Am I going to enjoy this ride? Yes!

My Happy List

I have reconnected with my friend Josh. He has been my brothers friend for over 20 years. Josh showed up in Cedar City when my brother Dave lived there, then several years later I attend Pharmacy Technician class and who walks in...Josh. He was married and lived in St George. We finished class. I started working at Albertsons Pharmacy. I worked there about 2 years and Josh came in and we needed a tech so he was hired. Josh had moved to Cedar. We worked together for a while. I cant really remember how long but it was fun. We worked hard and had a good time. He was part of what I call the 'Glory Days' of my pharmacy career. I love those days. We were understaffed doing hundreds and hundreds of scripts daily. We barely took time to use the bathroom and eat. Oh how we worked hard. But we also had so much fun. It was the laughter every day....most days. There was a lot of chocolate involved but it was wonderful.

I moved to Ogden for school and Josh might have moved to Nevada. Anyway, I lived the good life at WSU for 2 years and went back to Cedar. Albertsons hired me. I started the Monday after graduation. I am working and loving being back, seeing my old patients and friends. I was the only tech working one Saturday when a computer issue came up. I did not know how to solve it. I tried and tried. I decided to call a tech at one of the St George stores. I called them and Josh answers...We had no idea where the other person was and here we were catching up on life.

I then spend 3 wonderful years working for Cedar Dental Center and occasionally Albertsons. I then moved to Portland and two weeks after being here Josh called me. We chatted and talked about life. He was recently divorced. He was living in St George working for Albertsons again. I tell him I was married and happy. He was so happy for me. As he hung up it hit me like a brick....Josh was calling to ask me out. Well I lived my life. I have had some of the darkest days of my life. I have cried and cried. I have overcome worthless feelings and despair. I am still fighting my self esteem but at least I know I am worth something. The day before my birthday I was working. As I was cleaning a mouth I had the though to text Josh. After dismissing my patient I did.

I know I was supposed to text him. He has listened to me and given me strength to deal with this icky part of my life. He swears I am a blessing sent to him to help him through some parts of his life. So whatever it is, whatever our connection and why we keep crossing paths all I know is that he is the reason I am happy today. Speaking of happy....I asked him to list 20 things that make him happy. He had me do the same. We shared our lists yesterday. Mine is as follows.
1.mornings
2. my family
3. music. Music is a wonderful communicator. I even love the hymns.
4. church. My testimony makes me happy
5. food
6. fresh cut alfalfa
7. sound of waterfalls
8. snuggling
9. clean house
10. watching a movie-escaping reality with a good movie
11.going on a walk-nature is wonderful
12. eating veggies and fruits-I feel so much better when I eat right even though fries are yummy
13. chocolate
14. work-as much as I hate housework I love how I feel after-so much accomplishment
15. reading
16.treating my patients
17. journal-I love writing. getting my thoughts out and onto paper
18. Oregon coast-the ocean
19. crocheting and knitting and sewing...making something out of nothing
20. diet coke w/lime or DDP (diet dr pepper) or diet pepsi

So that is my silly list that truly makes me happy. I get done sharing the list and Josh starts chuckling. He said do you know your list does not have one materialistic thing. I was shocked. I did not realize it but it is true. I did not put my truck or a nice house or a 4-wheeler. Those things never occurred to me. So I learned something about myself. I do not think stuff makes you happy it is experiences and people and God and nature and chocolate and DDP that make me content to live this wonderful life. I am so thankful for my friendship with Josh and with you!!!! Each of your readers give me strength to keep waking up and moving and working and trying to be my best.

I had to put AJ in here just because he is so cute

Private Again

About 2 weeks ago I took my blog off private status. It was so wonderful to put myself out there. Dan is the only one I do not want reading this blog. Well at least until everything is said and done. I learned last night that he had been trying to find my facebook page but could not....I played dumb but in all honesty I blocked him. I then decided to privatize this blog again just in case he looks at it. I do not believe he will but....

Monday May 17 we have an appointment with the courthouse to get our paperwork looked at and filed. Pretty easy. Pretty hard.

Bragging Rights

I took this picture in honor of cinco de mayo. I wore pigtails to make me feel younger and I did. I felt like I was 12 years old. I had to share my moment of denial that I am actually middle aged. Maybe I am having a mid-life crisis. Or maybe I am just sexy in pigtails! Only I know the truth lolI finally have someone else to showcase on my blog. This is my nephew AJ. I have not met him yet but will soon. He is the third child of my sister Lori. He does not do any cool tricks or sit on special paint can stools but he does poop and cry.

It Is What It Is

Meet my girls. The Pampered Chef is Kym the dental assistant in my office. Bonnetta is the front office manager in my office. The three of us have so much fun. We work hard. Once a month I work a Friday. This is a special day ha ha ha. To make it bearable we go out after work. Last month we went to dinner and a movie.This month we went to Kym's lovely house and taught Bonnetta how to make homemade alfredo sauce. We made cheese tortellini with chicken and broccoli. We baked some asparagus, garlic bread. I purchased a raspberry poppy seed cake. All the food was divine. We had such fun. After eating our wonderful dinnerwe soaked in the hot tub for a while. It was amazingly therapeutic.

Yesterday I went over to Dan's place and we filled out all the paperwork for the dissolution of our marriage. It was hard emotionally...the paperwork was very idiot proof and simple. I have so many emotions about it. Right now they are sad and angry and hurt. I am putting a picture of my tailgate as a a reminder of the shit I don't want in my life. This damage was done by Dan. I did not yell or get upset when it happened. He promised he would get it fixed. 6 months later and the holes are still there. Add to that yesterday I wanted to put that into the decree and we had a huge fight about it. Of course I gave in. What else could I do. He will not pay for it. Dan has given me money for my bills and he pays for my internet. He says that money should be going to the tailgate. I said he should help support me like I supported him for a year while he was in school and between jobs AND pay for what he broke. He does not see it my way. It is what it is...good song by Lifehouse by the way. I love Canadian Geese. They are amazing. I love their colorings and their honkings and their ability to be monogamous. These two are in the field on my walk to work. In my little world they are the perfect little goose family. I pretend there is a nest and little ones are on the way. I am sure they have other things to do and bugs to eat but it makes me happy to think that.

Happy Days are Coming

Today is wonderful. The flowering trees are beautiful and fragrant. Although it has rained all night and day long it is still a wonderful day.

Work has been amazing. I get such satisfaction from working. My sister had her third child today. A boy. He is adorable. It does not hurt as bad as I thought....I get to sleep tonight and tomorrow night.. I truly do want my own children but I realize I have missed that boat and so I am waiting for the next vessel to come along.

My eyes are super green. I want to focus on them...and the few wrinkles that are surrounding my eyes. I turned 36 Friday. It was a day....I am now closer to 40 than 30. How sad. truly sad. I have not accomplished many of the 'standard LDS' things. But I have worked hard and been a good woman and tired to follow the commandments of God to the best of my ability. I do not get love. I do not  get a family. But I do have friends who blog and share their families with me. I feel part of their family. It is comforting to know they are out there.

I spent my birthday with Dan in Hermiston. Why? I had to do something. I am fine. It is fine....What I want to focus on is that Thursday Dan calls me up and says what do you want for your birthday? I said I had not thought about it since I assumed you would forget. He did not forget. He said he called my sister Jo Ann to find out what I wanted and what she was getting me. I was irritated. Why is he calling my family? Well I let it go. I think of something I want. I tell Dan. He said too bad it is too late he already got me something. Well Friday comes and goes and no present from Dan. I ask about it on Sunday. He said he did get me something....a $4.99 breakfast at Shari's. I just stared at him. And it hit me like a brick. He is an ass.

I want to thank Josh. He has helped me in a way no one else has. I appreciate him and his listening ear. I am truly thankful.

I also want to thank Jo Ann. Her packages and letters give me such joy. It is wonderful to get snail mail. I love her thoughtfulness. I love her so much!

Rain-Free Day

My brother Daniel came to visit me. He showed up late last night. We slept in a titch today and after a great breakfast at Black Bear Diner (Daniel voted best OJ, sausage, and pancakes) we headed to historic hwy 30.
This highway is lovely. It has a sacred grove appearance. Daniel who has been to the grove confirmed my theory. There are several waterfalls and small and large hikes. We went on a small one. I almost died. The hike was 2/3 mile round trip. I am embarrassed to say this. Daniel laughed at me and told me I had to exercise every day. I laughed because he is my younger bro. I should be schooling him. Anyway, the hike was amazing. Here we are at Bridal Falls.

I am getting good at self portraits. This only took me one time. Still have those lame sunglasses on my head ha ha ha.

After the hike and a trip to Portland's Saturday Market complete with elephant ears Daniel and I met Dan and Anna at Wunderland. It is a nickelcade. So fun so germy. We gave Anna all our tickets. She got Daniel this super bad. He was trying to to the Jones look away stare but it was lost in translation.

His hearing aid was chewed by a dog. So he is without any assistance. I did not realize how much the hearing aids helped him. It has been a challenge communicating today. I guess I am going to check out the deaf branch tomorrow. I am excited.

My counselor says I am still attached to Dan. He thinks it is alright. Yesterday my name was removed from the loan and title of his vehicle. I was thrilled. I ran down there signed the papers and almost jumped for joy. It has been a concern for me, knowing there was a loan in my name and I was not in control of ensuring payments were made on time. I am so happy but still attached. Well at least I am not crying daily anymore so I am happy about it. Life is good.