Happy Halloween!

Witchfest at Gardner Village

A purple witch with a purple umbrella captured my attention and heart is about 5 seconds after spying her at Gardner Village in South Jordan, or West Jordan, or Utah's Jordan, or where all the cars are at. 

Another love was the big nose, big hat witch all alone with no one waiting to take a picture of. She might have been my favorite, but I am not sure.

Here I am with Ash and Tania. We work together for Dr T. We decided to get out of the Basin and head to the big city dressed as witches. As you can see I need to work on my costume. These girls sure outshine me!  I was in need of a good fun girls night out. Scott and I have tons of fun and tons of nights out. I cherish them! There is something recharging or spiritually aligning about women spending time with women. It is something we need. I think Heavenly Father knew this and that is why Relief Society is such a successful and long running women's club. I am serious here! We need a time and place to get together and share and learn and talk and laugh and cry and hurt and cheer and support each other! 

Many times women and girls have gotten on my nerves, but even I can appreciate a good night out!

This witch had some beloved geese floating down the river with her. I was quite jealous! I love the whole Huck Finn thing going on here!

I love geese. And when they flew overhead I tried to hurry and get a pic and I only got five. There were so many and I had a moment of Portland homesickness. 

All in all Gardner Village did not disappoint  Not only were the witch displays amazing and entertaining the cute shops were so fun to pop into and try to avoid spending money! It was hard. I did not succeed and came home with great prizes and a face full of glitter--and maybe a whole car of glitter from everyone else and the bottle of fairy dust ha ha ha

Before my witch adventure I was stung by a hornet. I have been stung by the before and hate them. They just sting. My sting got bigger and bigger as the days went on. This is 24 hours later.

This is 36 hours later. By the end the hot red welt went from my shoulder to my elbow. It was hot and sting-gy and itchy. It was just miserable. I am kind of afraid of what my next hornet sting will be like. YIKES!

Happiness in unusual places

Rainbow car wash!!!!

I am an adult with zero children yet I love the colored bubbles and the smell that comes with the vibrant suds.

When did summer end?

It seems like summer started winding down yesterday. The dawn is getting later and later. Suzie and I have gotten into a luxurious habit of going back to bed after getting Scott off to work at 5 am. It is fun to watch Suz. As soon as I shut the door and turn off the outside light she is sprinting to the bedroom and launching herself onto the bed. She knows exactly where I like to lay and she lays right in the crook of my knees or stomach. There is something comforting about a warm sleeping animal next to you . . . I did not do this as a child. My siblings did and I missed out! 

Suzie loves the lawn. She has gotten really bad about digging. It is getting worse. I am hoping for a quick deep freeze to harden the ground so maybe she wont dig all winter and grow out if it by spring-that is my secret plan anyway.

I love this picture. Our lawn and the east sky during the sunset. It is magical. Maybe it was the cut grass fumes!

A patch of dead grass that Suzie has dug up. There are several more larger examples of her persistence and dirt addiction. 

Scott was kindly taking me on a drive to White Rocks via Tridell when he saw this elk in a field far far away. My camera did it's best to capture the big bull dilly dallying in the field safe from the hunters. He was very close to Indian Reservation borderline which as you know makes him inaccessible to us white folk-which seems prejudice against me but whatever-Don't get started Mair.

Summer has been great. I survived the heat and dryness. I hope I ready for winter. 

Who Am I?

Scott and I were driving home from Salt Lake City yesterday when the clock clicked to 10:00 am. I turned the radio to General Conference. As we were driving home and listening to the talks I realized how much I have grown. About 5 years ago I would watch GC and I would enjoy it, but if I missed a few talks or a whole session it was ok. I worked a lot of Saturdays in the pharmacy and we did not listen to it at work. Now I crave listening to the words the leaders of my church. I look forward to 8 hours of church!

For the last 5 or so years I have been this way and yesterday was the day I realized it. I know that I am not a normal person. My experience with other women and sisters and friends have helped me to make that accurate analysis. I am not like other women. I am not like men either. I am definitely an individual person-just like everyone else! My quirks at times make me feel less than normal. And craving 8 hours of church is another one! When I think about it logically 8 hours is a long time yet I will work for 8 hours, I have also taken a few days to watch all of Lord of the Rings movies, or all of Star Wars movies and add that up to more than 8 hours. I have also been known to watch the TV series 24 back in the day and somehow 6 hours just passed by in adrenaline infused tension! So what is so weird about 8 hours of church in 2 days? I guess it is just a new discovery for me. I know I have always felt better after watching conference-kind of like how I feel good after working out but the actual starting and doing the workout is not enjoyable. But now I love watching and listening to GC!!!! 

That being realized I did some self evaluation. I have realized that I am not the same woman I was a few years ago. I can see my attitude and my perspective change over my lifetime. My life experiences have molded me into who I am today-an abnormal woman who loves GC! I am and have been blessed abundantly!

What have I done in 4 years?

There have been a few events that have triggered memories for me lately. First was August was my 6 month wedding anniversary. This mini milestone meant so much to me! I could not help but compare this short marriage to my previous short marriage. It made me feel comforted to know that Scott and I are doing so much better and the feelings we have are good and hopeful and full of love and concern.

Another sign was when I got my voter registration card. The last time I voted in a presidential election was in Cedar City. It was early election period which was mid October. I voted under Mary Ann Jones. Since then I have been Mary Ann Faust, Mary Ann Jones and then Mary Ann Stewart. It hit me that 3 names in 4 years is not a good thing. It shows me that I am unstable and that life has changed for me quite a bit. I cannot believe I became the kind of woman who changes her name 3 times in 4 years! It shocked and slightly sickened me.

The last thing to hit me was yesterday when my friend Melissa Rees posted a happy birthday wish to her 4 year old son on facebook. When I went to dental hygiene school I had several friends that I studied with. Heidi, Melissa, Natalie and Korbin. Melissa had a twin sister Maria who was a year ahead in the program. We studied and had fun together. So naturally when there was a dental hygiene meeting at Thanksgiving Point we all went. Of these 5 friends-1 got divorced during school, 2 got divorced shortly after graduation, and 1 was pregnant. We met up for dinner (minus Korbin). At this dinner I was not feeling well. I was having a flare up of my insides (possible interstitial cystitis-see 2009 posts).  I was in quite a bit of pain and did not enjoy the food part of dinner. I was looking forward to catching up and hearing how everyone was doing. Then right at dinner 1 more friend announced her divorce. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been to Portland several weeks prior to this. Dan had proposed. I was 34 and wanted so much to be married. I was lonely. I was excited and scared. Here I was at dinner with my friends when 4 out of 5 had endured the heartache of divorce. I did not want a divorce and the only way to guarantee that was to not get married; yet I wanted to share my life with someone and I refused to live with a man. So my morals encouraged me to get married. At this dinner with my friends I did not tell them about Dan. I was not sure about my future with him at this point either. I remember feeling so happy for Melissa who was pregnant and ended up delivering a week later! I remember feeling hopeless for all marriages. I wondered if I would ever have a baby and loving husband like Melissa.

Over the next few weeks I really thought about this dinner. I thought about divorce, marriage, motherhood, and opening my heart to another. I realized and felt prompted to take a chance in Portland. Hence began my unforeseen life of the last mere short years. I mean 4 years----not much time yet I made so many sudden choices, took chances, changed names, sold trucks, gained weight, doubted my testimony, hated my morals, loved, hated, longed, worked, cried, laughed, was hit on in fantastical ways, made friends, and found love once more. It has been a very atypical 4 years for me! I truly wonder what the next 4 years will bring.

In case you want to read about Sept 2008   http://mairslittleworld.blogspot.com/2008_09_01_archive.html

Keep Trying

Yesterday I was able to work in Duchesne. My first patient was 36 yr old woman with zero interproximal restorations, generalized 4 mm pocketing and xrays showed calculus wings on each tooth, there was a lower anterior calculus bridge and rings around maxillary anterior teeth.  I looked at her and said 'Hey do you want to go to Ogden, SLC or Rangely Colorado and be some lucky students board patient?' She did not. She is getting married soon and wanted clean, bleached teeth with fresh breath. So I had all the fun! I worked and worked. I checked and checked. For my own peace of mind I took post cleaning xrays. They were clean! I felt good. It was nice to have a little good luck and

Second patient of the day was a 44 year old man. He had a lot of vertical bone loss, not much radiographic calculus, a lot of gumline stain. His previous cleaning was about 25 years ago. I was able to clean one quad followed by dentist doing work in the same quad. I did another good job.

Last patient of the day was the dentist's mom. She is a dental-phobe and wants nitrous. Dr T did not tell me she needed nitrous and he was in the nitrous op! So I did not have access to it. She had no pocketing but lots of green line stain. I was sweating bullets! I got the Cavitron and went to work. I finished and as she left she told me I did a good job. So that felt good to have such a picky patient like the job I did.

I am sure Emily is right in her comment on my last post when she stated my patients probably needed a periodontist. I know they did. The hard thing is that the closest periodontist is in Provo-2 hours away. It was hard to get my patients to go from Cedar City to St George (45 min) away to visit a periodontist. I am not sure how willing these farmers will be to drive to big city and get their teeth cleaned over several visits. I hope they do. I hope Dr T remembers this when he sees that I did not get that tooth clean. . . until then I will keep trying!

How can I keep practicing?

I feel so icky, discouraged, failure, criticized, lacking, not good enough, sick to my stomach, anxious, about to be fired!

These feelings have been growing ever since I started working in Duchesne as a dental hygienist. It started with an 85 yr old woman who had several mobile teeth. She had clean teeth above the gumline but underneath was a different story. She declined bite wings. I had a mere pano to work with. She was treatment planned for 4 quads SRP and extraction of 23-26 with placement of bridge from canine to canine. She appeared on my schedule for 2 quads in 1 hour. I started. I only got one quad done. It was intense. She stated that her previous dentist in Duchesne (recently retired) never cleaned like that. After explaining that he was a good dentist and that I do things different I realized that her calculus had been forming since 1974! I did another quad another day. 19 was very mobile and 15 mm pocketing. I told the dr after her appointment that I did not get that tooth very clean. I said it was too deep and too encrusted added to that the prognosis was not good. She is 85! At this appointment the patient also told me she was getting a hip replaced after her cleaning. I told the Dr this. Several appointments later the patient had some extractions. The Dr added some more teeth to the extraction list due to her surgery. He saved them and showed me all the calculus on the teeth. I said Yup-I told you! I feel so horrible. This woman paid $600+ for me to clean her teeth and I didnt do a very good job. UGH! I feel just retched.

Yesterday another patient came in for extraction. Dr found calculus on it also. I had done cleaning on him. I am a failure! I cannot clean teeth to save my life. No wonder I needed remedial training in school. Have I ever been able to clean teeth? For the last 3 years I have had easy patients and while I admit I dont know how I survived 2010-2011. I am now positive that Dr M covered for me! How can I keep working for this dentist? How can I look him in the eye knowing I am less that worth my wage! I am failing all around.

I have ZERO satisfaction in work. I want to hide in a cave somewhere so no one can see my failures and weight gain. I want to quit and give up!

Possible solutions: better instruments, longer appointment time, some validation that I can actually remove deposit on teeth!

I did have pictures of said teeth-but blogger is not letting me add the photo or change who I give permission to read my blog! I want to give up fighting with computers.