Here is sweet AJ. I am really looking forward to meeting him in 6 days!!!
What a week it has been. I was mentally prepared to sign papers to end my marriage. It is harder than I ever thought. Dan was having a hard time also. It made me ask....do you want to give it another try? Luckily Dan did not answer. So I did. I said no. I think without the things I have learned the last few weeks I would have begged him to come back. Why do I want some bad love over no love? It is kind of disturbing to me. I have always liked being alone. And I still do. Right now I am watching what I want on tv wearing what I want eating dinner...what I want (luckily tonight is salad with chicken--no more cocoa puffs with marshmallows ha ha ha). I am doing what I want but I am lonely. I am aching today. It has been a hard one today for some reason.
It started last night as I fell asleep I had a bad dream. It was about being trapped in an earthquake and the terror and the feeling of motion scared me awake...I might have screamed. Anyway, it scared me. I was ready for 'fight or flight'. My muscles had access to adrenaline and sugar. It took some time to calm down but I did. I wished I had someone to snuggle with and comfort and keep me safe. I repeated this sequence three times last night. It was horrible. Not only did I dream of scary earthquakes, floods and being stuck on a bridge with a semi truck blaring down ready to hit me but I dreamt of having a 3-some. It is not the first time I have but dang....I need to get those thoughts under control and wrapped back up and buried deep inside me.
The combination of these dreams caused me to be extra lonely today. I tried to go shopping for some retail therapy. I needed some new bras. I shop at the fat girl store because that is what size I am. I love me. I am happy with myself but I know what size I am and I have to get that size at a specific place. I am shopping and see some cute bra styles. I try one on and alas....not a good fit. I knew this because my current bras are not fitting as they should. I am so upset and traumatized that I have to now special order my bras. It is really bothering me. I know I am a big woman. But now I am an enormous woman. Sigh.
Friends, many of you know how much I love music. I really do love music and I have lost that since moving to Portland. Josh has relit this fire in me. I am discovering music I already had and new stuff-even country.
The sweetest thing that Josh does is give me songs to listen to. He communicates with song. I tried to with Dan but it did not work. Josh is very careful giving me songs to listen to. I admit some of them have freaked me out. I am technically married. I am not sure I am ready to get into another relationship (even though I am lonely). I want to share how sweet and wonderful and kind and careful Josh is with me. Some of the songs he had me listen to were....Heaven (Little by Little) by Theory of a Deadman, Thing for You by Hinder, Yours to Hold by Skillet. Take Me There by Rascal Flats (Jami I am just beginning to understand your love of these boys. They are truly amazing!!!! ) There are quite a few more country songs but I am shy and they mean a lot to me and my tender heart. Am I being wooed with song? Yes. Am I happy about it? Yes. Is Josh why Dan feels neglected? YES! Am I in over my head? Yes. Am I going to enjoy this ride? Yes!
10 comments:
Wow, now i see why there is no title :)
i am so excited for you to go "home" in six days so you can cuddle that cute little nugget!
Honestly, I wish i had some words of advice i could give to help with your heartache. i haven't ever been in the divorce situation, but i've been heartbroken a time or two and it still hurts to think about those times, even though things turned out fine in the end....those hard times are what made me who i am now....and they will help you become the person you are still to become!
you are most definitely on the right path. you are so strong! you are a great example! I am sorry about your nightmares....there's nothing more traumatizing than being waken by something like that. Hang in there! I always want to talk to a dream analyst and see what the heck is making me have dreams/nightmares! I think you should get a lovey bear like E has....it's a great cuddler ;)
I am so happy you are getting back into your music!! AND, so proud some of it is country....especially my boys!!! Ah! great news! And, maybe you should just have some dreams about jo don, the guitarist....you will wake up happy for sure! i always do! ha ha! Thanks for sharing about josh.... i'm glad he's making you smile.
Since you are already in the genre....listen to "No Reins" by Rascal Flatts! I think you might relate to it a little right now????
And....maybe i should have sent an email??? This comment is so long! :)
I am glad you get to go home in just 5 days! All the rest, leaves me wondering. Not just your stuff, but all of it. I have no words to impart. I know I have crossed the line and can not go back now. I hope in time I will know that things are better. I hope the week will fly by for you.
Um was anyone you know in the 3 some?
Was it with guys or girls?
You are going through so much and I think you are handling it very well. Stay strong! You do not need Dan. Remeber how tough you were before you met him.
A word of advice with Josh: Sloooow down! You need some major healing time to get right with yourself again. I think Josh is being a great support, but a romantic relationship should wait until you are really ready.
Hmm, maybe I'm being bossy and out of line, but I just thought I'd share my opinion :)
Im so proud of my big sister! i love you so much! in fact im going to write you a letter cuz thats what i do best! see you SOON! im learning how to say it in spanish..kinda hard. erica says its ghetto spanish. isnt that great! love love love you! oh and i love josh too.. read my facebook status!
have a great time in Delta :) i will think of you visiting cemeteries on monday....i always think of you on memorial day!
My divorce was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. It took some time before I could think about it without crying. It's different for everyone, though. I'm sorry you're having to go through this all by yourself up there. I actually lived in Phoenix during my divorce so I know what it's like without having family around during the process! You're a strong woman, and I can see you're making some very mature decisions. I'm proud of you!
BTW--I laughed so hard at the threesome comment! That's some funny schizz!
So behind again... Hooray for Josh! He is a cutie! And yes, you are doing the right thing by signing the papers.
Mair.... I love to read your blog because you are so genuine and real and honest. I love that you are facing your challenges head on and remembering and enjoying the things that make you..well you. Like the music. i remember riding in andreas margarita and blasting lifehouse. Good times. But more good times are ahead and it seems like you are on t to see he up instead of the down. U dating Josh then? I am excited u are coming to Utah. u gonna be down this way? I would LOVE to c- you!
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