I just read a blog post about infertility (read here) It was moving and I could feel this woman's pain she has experienced as an LDS woman who did not follow the popular time table. I am a whirlwind of emotion after reading this.
I am unsure if I am infertile. I am 37 years old. I dont have a child. I am purposefully infertile. I realized recently that I did in fact choose not to have a baby. I have lived a celibate lifestyle. I chose and choose to life that life. ME. I am childless because of MY choices. More accurately I choose not to have extramarital sex therefore as a consequence of that choice I do not get to have my own baby. While I was married for 18 months I did not try to have a baby. I chose that. I will not go into the details of that decision but I know it was the right one.
As a result of my 'temple worthy' life I get to sit in primary and hear teachers, parents, leaders, 'brothers' and 'sisters' tell me how wonderful I am with children and it must be because I dont have to deal with them on a daily basis. I hear how I am lucky to be able to sleep in, how lucky I am to not have to spend $110 on baseball equipment, how lucky I am not to have to talk to my child about porn, how I am a wonderful daughter of God and how I will be blessed with children in the next life. I hear how hard it is to be a unappreciated mother and wife, how difficult homework is, how tough coaxing vegetables into a young body. I guess I hear the bad. Because what I see is the love and adoration. I see the fun of cupcake making, the fun of playing Candyland, the fun of sheet forts and trick or treating. I see the wonder and magic of Christmas through a child-how wonderful it must be to see it through your own child and not from the sidelines.
As a result of following the commandments I am alone. I cannot blame anyone. It is my choice. I choose not to settle for a man who is not someone I can be happy with for eternity. I choose not to sleep around and have 3 babies from 3 different fathers. I choose to be infertile.
I guess that means purposeful infertility doesnt hurt. Since I choose this I cant be so lonely and sad that I stay home from church on Mother's Day to avoid the comments. I choose to be single and alone so I must not ache to have my own family to cook Thanksgiving dinner for. My heart must not yearn to have family home evenings with more than myself. My mind does not imagine how it would be to teach my child how to bake a pie or read a book.
I dont understand why I get to be alone. But I do know it is because of my choices. I wonder how the Church would react to me getting artificially inseminated. I know the Church does not condone single parent households and I know that sex outside of marriage has disciplinary actions attached but what does medically induced pregnancy mean? I told 2 women in my ward. Both were shocked and horrified that I would think such a thing. So I guess pregnancy is only for certain worthy women??? Or I am not woman enough to be a mother?
I dont know the answers. I dont understand. I know it is my choice. While infertility is painful and sad I am jealous because they have a spouse.
2 comments:
This is what I know and it is not much. My mom had my sister out of wedlock. She met a guy at a single adult activity and he promised her the world. She decided he was for real and that since it took her 8 years to have me with my father, then he left immediately after, that she would start ASAP to have try for another baby. It took just 3 months for her to get pregnant. He did not stick around much after that. Kind of came and went from the picture. By the time my sister came, he was gone. She wanted to go back to church. She met with the bishop and he said that because she had not been active, while pregnant, he would not seek any further action against her. She then wanted to have her blessed and was very worried how people would react to her returning to church with a baby. My grandma's cousin was the stake president then and volunteered to come and bless my sister. It turned out to be wonderful, because some other lady in the ward spent the whole meeting chastising the ward in testimony meeting. Every person that approached her said, we are so glad you came with your wonderful baby. You know what is best for you. I wish I could take away the hurt, especially the hurt I have caused you. You are such a wonderful spirit and I am forever grateful you came into my life. I love you.
Spoke to "the man," he says that what could or could not happen if you were to choose to have a baby alone depends solely on the discretion of the bishop in charge. You know what is right for you. How are things with Scott???
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