Computer

Meet my new laptop. It is red. It is huge. It smells new. It is a blessing to me.

This is the comparison shot of my new laptop and my mini. Dan left me the mini and he took both of the laptops when he moved out. I have been using it for the last two years. My fingers are used to the small keys and the close spaces and the punctuation marks being in different places. I am struggling typing right this second due to my muscle memory! I need to relearn how to type like an adult with a real laptop. What a wonderful challenge!

I have a CD drive now! I can access my music now! Oh and I have a huge screen and can see so much!

Now truly I was thankful to my mini for getting me through the months and months of being alone. I felt so isolated during and after my divorce. Blogging and internet dating/chatting kept me alive. I am so thankful to that little guy for working so hard and even though I could not even download a music video without delay it kept chugging along. I am so proud of the little guy.

See ya later Mini

Now to the hard part. Where the new laptop came from. This has been the angst my week.

Dan has been in Afghanistan. He called me a month ago asking if he could stay at my apartment while he was on leave in sept/oct. I said no and to stay with his harlot. He said he could not stay with her. I felt bad that he has no one to help him and then I realized I didnt want to help the man. I stuck to my no. Dan arrives in Portland the same week Scott arrived to visit me. Dan stayed away knowing that Scott was in town. Well last Sunday I was leaving for church. I dont have a vehicle and need to take the bus. I leave for church one hour before it starts. Dan knew this. He showed up at my apartment to give me a ride. I would not let him into the apartment knowing Scott would freak out. But I did accept a ride. He took me to church. We sat in the parking lot for about 30 min discussing life. I remember looking at him and thinking-I dont feel any connection or attraction to this man anymore. About that time Dan said to me, 'I feel I owe you something, but dont know what.' In reality Dan owes me a lot. I had let it go and chose to forget. We parted ways without so much as a hug. 

After church I read a text from Dan saying he left me something at the leasing office. I get home and get the gift. It was a brand new laptop. Now Dan had recently told me he was going to see me on his leave and give me one his laptops. This infuriated me. I told him I did not want his hand-me-downs. So that Sunday when I noticed that he bought me a brand new laptop I was a little irked. I called him and asked him to come pick it up that I could not accept such a thing. He said he owed me and started listing the things he owed me for and I was thinking-yup he does owe me. I knew Scott would not like me accepting gifts from my ex. I was in a vortex of confliction. If I kept the laptop I would hurt Scott. If I returned it and got store credit and bought something else that item (most likely a big tv) would be just like the laptop. I would be dumb to destroy a brand new laptop. I need a new laptop. The mini is failing. I realize Heavenly Father blessed me with what I needed to stay in touch with friends and family, so I thanked Him and opened the box.

I am so thankful that I saw Dan it was like a switch was flipped. I am me again. I am happy. Truly deeply happy inside. I am calm. I am level headed. I suddenly dont think of mean emails to send Dan. I dont add the money he owes me. I dont revisit the hurt. It is done. Dan asked me to come back. I said no. I cannot believe it. I am done. Today I noticed the music playing on the radio at the sandwich shop and at work AND I enjoyed it deep down in my soul. I remember the moment music was killed. I remember the moment my muchness was killed. I am grateful to this laptop. I am grateful for the happiness of this hard moment we call life!