There have been a few events that have triggered memories for me lately. First was August was my 6 month wedding anniversary. This mini milestone meant so much to me! I could not help but compare this short marriage to my previous short marriage. It made me feel comforted to know that Scott and I are doing so much better and the feelings we have are good and hopeful and full of love and concern.
Another sign was when I got my voter registration card. The last time I voted in a presidential election was in Cedar City. It was early election period which was mid October. I voted under Mary Ann Jones. Since then I have been Mary Ann Faust, Mary Ann Jones and then Mary Ann Stewart. It hit me that 3 names in 4 years is not a good thing. It shows me that I am unstable and that life has changed for me quite a bit. I cannot believe I became the kind of woman who changes her name 3 times in 4 years! It shocked and slightly sickened me.
The last thing to hit me was yesterday when my friend Melissa Rees posted a happy birthday wish to her 4 year old son on facebook. When I went to dental hygiene school I had several friends that I studied with. Heidi, Melissa, Natalie and Korbin. Melissa had a twin sister Maria who was a year ahead in the program. We studied and had fun together. So naturally when there was a dental hygiene meeting at Thanksgiving Point we all went. Of these 5 friends-1 got divorced during school, 2 got divorced shortly after graduation, and 1 was pregnant. We met up for dinner (minus Korbin). At this dinner I was not feeling well. I was having a flare up of my insides (possible interstitial cystitis-see 2009 posts). I was in quite a bit of pain and did not enjoy the food part of dinner. I was looking forward to catching up and hearing how everyone was doing. Then right at dinner 1 more friend announced her divorce. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been to Portland several weeks prior to this. Dan had proposed. I was 34 and wanted so much to be married. I was lonely. I was excited and scared. Here I was at dinner with my friends when 4 out of 5 had endured the heartache of divorce. I did not want a divorce and the only way to guarantee that was to not get married; yet I wanted to share my life with someone and I refused to live with a man. So my morals encouraged me to get married. At this dinner with my friends I did not tell them about Dan. I was not sure about my future with him at this point either. I remember feeling so happy for Melissa who was pregnant and ended up delivering a week later! I remember feeling hopeless for all marriages. I wondered if I would ever have a baby and loving husband like Melissa.
Over the next few weeks I really thought about this dinner. I thought about divorce, marriage, motherhood, and opening my heart to another. I realized and felt prompted to take a chance in Portland. Hence began my unforeseen life of the last mere short years. I mean 4 years----not much time yet I made so many sudden choices, took chances, changed names, sold trucks, gained weight, doubted my testimony, hated my morals, loved, hated, longed, worked, cried, laughed, was hit on in fantastical ways, made friends, and found love once more. It has been a very atypical 4 years for me! I truly wonder what the next 4 years will bring.
In case you want to read about Sept 2008 http://mairslittleworld.blogspot.com/2008_09_01_archive.html
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Keep Trying
Yesterday I was able to work in Duchesne. My first patient was 36 yr old woman with zero interproximal restorations, generalized 4 mm pocketing and xrays showed calculus wings on each tooth, there was a lower anterior calculus bridge and rings around maxillary anterior teeth. I looked at her and said 'Hey do you want to go to Ogden, SLC or Rangely Colorado and be some lucky students board patient?' She did not. She is getting married soon and wanted clean, bleached teeth with fresh breath. So I had all the fun! I worked and worked. I checked and checked. For my own peace of mind I took post cleaning xrays. They were clean! I felt good. It was nice to have a little good luck and
Second patient of the day was a 44 year old man. He had a lot of vertical bone loss, not much radiographic calculus, a lot of gumline stain. His previous cleaning was about 25 years ago. I was able to clean one quad followed by dentist doing work in the same quad. I did another good job.
Last patient of the day was the dentist's mom. She is a dental-phobe and wants nitrous. Dr T did not tell me she needed nitrous and he was in the nitrous op! So I did not have access to it. She had no pocketing but lots of green line stain. I was sweating bullets! I got the Cavitron and went to work. I finished and as she left she told me I did a good job. So that felt good to have such a picky patient like the job I did.
I am sure Emily is right in her comment on my last post when she stated my patients probably needed a periodontist. I know they did. The hard thing is that the closest periodontist is in Provo-2 hours away. It was hard to get my patients to go from Cedar City to St George (45 min) away to visit a periodontist. I am not sure how willing these farmers will be to drive to big city and get their teeth cleaned over several visits. I hope they do. I hope Dr T remembers this when he sees that I did not get that tooth clean. . . until then I will keep trying!
Second patient of the day was a 44 year old man. He had a lot of vertical bone loss, not much radiographic calculus, a lot of gumline stain. His previous cleaning was about 25 years ago. I was able to clean one quad followed by dentist doing work in the same quad. I did another good job.
Last patient of the day was the dentist's mom. She is a dental-phobe and wants nitrous. Dr T did not tell me she needed nitrous and he was in the nitrous op! So I did not have access to it. She had no pocketing but lots of green line stain. I was sweating bullets! I got the Cavitron and went to work. I finished and as she left she told me I did a good job. So that felt good to have such a picky patient like the job I did.
I am sure Emily is right in her comment on my last post when she stated my patients probably needed a periodontist. I know they did. The hard thing is that the closest periodontist is in Provo-2 hours away. It was hard to get my patients to go from Cedar City to St George (45 min) away to visit a periodontist. I am not sure how willing these farmers will be to drive to big city and get their teeth cleaned over several visits. I hope they do. I hope Dr T remembers this when he sees that I did not get that tooth clean. . . until then I will keep trying!
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
How can I keep practicing?
I feel so icky, discouraged, failure, criticized, lacking, not good enough, sick to my stomach, anxious, about to be fired!
These feelings have been growing ever since I started working in Duchesne as a dental hygienist. It started with an 85 yr old woman who had several mobile teeth. She had clean teeth above the gumline but underneath was a different story. She declined bite wings. I had a mere pano to work with. She was treatment planned for 4 quads SRP and extraction of 23-26 with placement of bridge from canine to canine. She appeared on my schedule for 2 quads in 1 hour. I started. I only got one quad done. It was intense. She stated that her previous dentist in Duchesne (recently retired) never cleaned like that. After explaining that he was a good dentist and that I do things different I realized that her calculus had been forming since 1974! I did another quad another day. 19 was very mobile and 15 mm pocketing. I told the dr after her appointment that I did not get that tooth very clean. I said it was too deep and too encrusted added to that the prognosis was not good. She is 85! At this appointment the patient also told me she was getting a hip replaced after her cleaning. I told the Dr this. Several appointments later the patient had some extractions. The Dr added some more teeth to the extraction list due to her surgery. He saved them and showed me all the calculus on the teeth. I said Yup-I told you! I feel so horrible. This woman paid $600+ for me to clean her teeth and I didnt do a very good job. UGH! I feel just retched.
Yesterday another patient came in for extraction. Dr found calculus on it also. I had done cleaning on him. I am a failure! I cannot clean teeth to save my life. No wonder I needed remedial training in school. Have I ever been able to clean teeth? For the last 3 years I have had easy patients and while I admit I dont know how I survived 2010-2011. I am now positive that Dr M covered for me! How can I keep working for this dentist? How can I look him in the eye knowing I am less that worth my wage! I am failing all around.
I have ZERO satisfaction in work. I want to hide in a cave somewhere so no one can see my failures and weight gain. I want to quit and give up!
Possible solutions: better instruments, longer appointment time, some validation that I can actually remove deposit on teeth!
I did have pictures of said teeth-but blogger is not letting me add the photo or change who I give permission to read my blog! I want to give up fighting with computers.
These feelings have been growing ever since I started working in Duchesne as a dental hygienist. It started with an 85 yr old woman who had several mobile teeth. She had clean teeth above the gumline but underneath was a different story. She declined bite wings. I had a mere pano to work with. She was treatment planned for 4 quads SRP and extraction of 23-26 with placement of bridge from canine to canine. She appeared on my schedule for 2 quads in 1 hour. I started. I only got one quad done. It was intense. She stated that her previous dentist in Duchesne (recently retired) never cleaned like that. After explaining that he was a good dentist and that I do things different I realized that her calculus had been forming since 1974! I did another quad another day. 19 was very mobile and 15 mm pocketing. I told the dr after her appointment that I did not get that tooth very clean. I said it was too deep and too encrusted added to that the prognosis was not good. She is 85! At this appointment the patient also told me she was getting a hip replaced after her cleaning. I told the Dr this. Several appointments later the patient had some extractions. The Dr added some more teeth to the extraction list due to her surgery. He saved them and showed me all the calculus on the teeth. I said Yup-I told you! I feel so horrible. This woman paid $600+ for me to clean her teeth and I didnt do a very good job. UGH! I feel just retched.
Yesterday another patient came in for extraction. Dr found calculus on it also. I had done cleaning on him. I am a failure! I cannot clean teeth to save my life. No wonder I needed remedial training in school. Have I ever been able to clean teeth? For the last 3 years I have had easy patients and while I admit I dont know how I survived 2010-2011. I am now positive that Dr M covered for me! How can I keep working for this dentist? How can I look him in the eye knowing I am less that worth my wage! I am failing all around.
I have ZERO satisfaction in work. I want to hide in a cave somewhere so no one can see my failures and weight gain. I want to quit and give up!
Possible solutions: better instruments, longer appointment time, some validation that I can actually remove deposit on teeth!
I did have pictures of said teeth-but blogger is not letting me add the photo or change who I give permission to read my blog! I want to give up fighting with computers.
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