What have I done in 4 years?

There have been a few events that have triggered memories for me lately. First was August was my 6 month wedding anniversary. This mini milestone meant so much to me! I could not help but compare this short marriage to my previous short marriage. It made me feel comforted to know that Scott and I are doing so much better and the feelings we have are good and hopeful and full of love and concern.

Another sign was when I got my voter registration card. The last time I voted in a presidential election was in Cedar City. It was early election period which was mid October. I voted under Mary Ann Jones. Since then I have been Mary Ann Faust, Mary Ann Jones and then Mary Ann Stewart. It hit me that 3 names in 4 years is not a good thing. It shows me that I am unstable and that life has changed for me quite a bit. I cannot believe I became the kind of woman who changes her name 3 times in 4 years! It shocked and slightly sickened me.

The last thing to hit me was yesterday when my friend Melissa Rees posted a happy birthday wish to her 4 year old son on facebook. When I went to dental hygiene school I had several friends that I studied with. Heidi, Melissa, Natalie and Korbin. Melissa had a twin sister Maria who was a year ahead in the program. We studied and had fun together. So naturally when there was a dental hygiene meeting at Thanksgiving Point we all went. Of these 5 friends-1 got divorced during school, 2 got divorced shortly after graduation, and 1 was pregnant. We met up for dinner (minus Korbin). At this dinner I was not feeling well. I was having a flare up of my insides (possible interstitial cystitis-see 2009 posts).  I was in quite a bit of pain and did not enjoy the food part of dinner. I was looking forward to catching up and hearing how everyone was doing. Then right at dinner 1 more friend announced her divorce. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been to Portland several weeks prior to this. Dan had proposed. I was 34 and wanted so much to be married. I was lonely. I was excited and scared. Here I was at dinner with my friends when 4 out of 5 had endured the heartache of divorce. I did not want a divorce and the only way to guarantee that was to not get married; yet I wanted to share my life with someone and I refused to live with a man. So my morals encouraged me to get married. At this dinner with my friends I did not tell them about Dan. I was not sure about my future with him at this point either. I remember feeling so happy for Melissa who was pregnant and ended up delivering a week later! I remember feeling hopeless for all marriages. I wondered if I would ever have a baby and loving husband like Melissa.

Over the next few weeks I really thought about this dinner. I thought about divorce, marriage, motherhood, and opening my heart to another. I realized and felt prompted to take a chance in Portland. Hence began my unforeseen life of the last mere short years. I mean 4 years----not much time yet I made so many sudden choices, took chances, changed names, sold trucks, gained weight, doubted my testimony, hated my morals, loved, hated, longed, worked, cried, laughed, was hit on in fantastical ways, made friends, and found love once more. It has been a very atypical 4 years for me! I truly wonder what the next 4 years will bring.

In case you want to read about Sept 2008   http://mairslittleworld.blogspot.com/2008_09_01_archive.html