It's Happening

This tree made an appearance on my blog a few months ago when I was so excited that spring was coming.  Now fall is happening. 

Portland had an unusually long spring. June 27 the high was 57. It was a record--the lowest high since 1927. I had many visitors this summer. My sister Jo came early April and it rained every single day. My brother Daniel came late April and it rained most of the time. Then Josh came (ugh) the first of June. It rained a few of the days. All trips to the coast were cold and damp.  My friend Andrea came the first of July. The 2nd of July is that last day we had rain in Portland. That is the true mark of summer--sunshine. I have only seen the sun for 2 months. TWO. Today it is raining. While I do not mind and enjoy the rain it is hard to see because I know winter is coming. So this picture is a touch sad because of the one branch of leaves that are turning color. That means the tree has not been photosynthesizing as much as it used to and is transitioning into a dormant phase. Another sign winter is coming, shorter days.

My favorite time of the year has always been fall. I love the warm days and cool evenings and nights. I love the colors. Maybe it is Portland's mild summer temps or all the goodbyes I have had to make in my personal life this year, whatever the reason I am quite melancholy about saying goodbye to summer.

Boring facts. . ave temp for aug for PDX 79.7. This year 16 days in the 70s 5 days in 80s 7 days in 90s. Still average out to 80 but it has either been cool or hot.

How Could I Forget?

On my recent trip to Utah I stocked up on my beloved Utah Truffles mint flavored of course. I realized today that I needed one! I have had a bad week and could not believe that I had not indulged before now. I think I might later tonight when I can veg out and relax with a diet Pepsi.

My sister Lori who is mother of 3 had this handy little cooler built for bottles. It has a pocket for a freezer pack small enough airport security did not look twice at me (which was a first-I usually get additionally searched--did on my July trip)

This little cooler worked it's magic and got my stash of chocolate home unmelted. I am pretty happy that I remembered they were in my fridge! How could I forget?

Oregon State Fair

I have a had a bad week. I hurt. I cry. I hate myself. I think of girls in my situation and in the past part of me believed that they attracted this drama to them and that they choose looser men. Well I am here to say I know in my heart I was supposed to marry Dan. I was supposed to give him a chance to be the man he could be. He failed. Not me. Josh was also a man who was given the opportunity to choose the higher road and chose the lesser one. For some reason I had to be there for both of them. I know I was supposed to text Josh back in April. These facts keep me from going insane with depression. Knowing that I did the right thing and they did not.

Friday came and I was sitting there getting an oil change and Dan called with his daughter Anna. They invited me to come with them to the Oregon State Fair. After much convincing I went. We had a great day! Honestly! It was so fun. There was an ESPN loggers sporting event taking place. We watched girls run logs on water, men with axes cut through trees, solo and team sawing, chain saw, and pole climbing. It was so fun. We would watch for a few minutes and then move on to another attraction and end up back with the loggers. I really liked it.

Dan paid for everything! That is the first time that has happened. I was shocked and loved it. I usually feel bad when I do not pay my own way but not yesterday. I took it all and enjoyed it. For lunch we shared the enormous burger seen above. It was huge. We sat down and this man and his adult son and friend were just sitting down to a 3 foot corn dog. We laughed at our enormous fair food and dug in. The men finished easily. They went back for a burger after looking at ours. We struggled and we were not able to finish our entire burger. It was pretty tasty though. I was surprised. Later we had good ice cream cones. We went on tons of rides. Dan pooped out on most of them so Anna and I went. It was so fun. I loved it. One guy on the tilt a whirl asked if I was available to go out when he got off work. I smiled and did not reply. How can I get out there again? The men in my age group are either taken or loosers, liars, and cheaters. Or just plain creepers! I guess I have missed my window of opportunity. It really sucks and I really hate it and I am really angry about it.

I know tons of you are judging me about hanging out with Dan all day. Well go ahead. Think I am stupid and a looser. It was nice to have a friend to enjoy the fair. I love it. The animals, the tractors, the vendors, the games, the rides, the loggers, the smell of fresh kettle corn, the perfect 73 degree Salem Oregon day! It was wonderful. I loved every minute of it. It helped me forget the loneliness I have in my life and the rejection and the hurt, and the betrayal.

Today my plans are to read Mockingjay and enjoy my day.

I am so Blessed

Josh you all remember Josh. The man who helped me so much when I was getting divorced. Josh helped me a lot. He made me feel loved and special. He was a great friend and has been for several years.

Friday we were talking on the phone. It was about 9 pm (my time) and he was arriving at his brothers house for dinner. I got off the phone with him and started surfing online. Christinna had written on his facebook page and I was jealous. I was surprised at this feeling and texted it to Josh. He texted back saying I had nothing to be jealous of from her. At midnight I texted wishing him fun at his bros. At 1 am I texted goodnight.

Saturday I texted at 7:30 am asking him to please call me. It was unusual he had not done so already. He called about 11 am. We talked and decided that he was going to move on a date other people because he was ready to be married and I was not. I cried and cried.

Sunday he texted that he would call me after church and we would have a good talk. It never happened.

Monday he says he is sick going to ER.

Tuesday I text inquiring about his safety. I am missing my friend really bad by now. I started texting Dan to fill the void.

Wednesday 2 am I text some angry hurt texts asking for an explanation for the avoidance. At noon I get a text saying I am getting married. I call him at 1:15 on my lunch and get voicemail. I go off on how I thought I was at least a friend and hoped that he would be decent enough to talk to me. That I deserved that. While leaving said voicemail I received a text from him announcing....I just got married.  WHAT?

I am so happy, sad, glad, excited, relieved, deceived, hurt and betrayed. How? Was he dating Christinna when he was dating me? Was he lying to me when he said he loved me? Am I not worth waiting for? I am really glad I do not have him in my life. Other than I miss my friend. We had become very close friends. We knew a lot about each other. My heart aches to talk to him and to understand how he could lie to me. How he could avoid me. How can he think I am worth ignoring. One scenario I came up with is that Christinna will let him drink. I would not. I said we can be friends and you can drink. He said he wanted to be more than friends and I said ok you cannot drink. So I am sure tonight he is loving life drinking and loving on his wife. When two weeks ago he was kissing on me in front of my family. Charming them and giving them hope that I would be moving back to Utah soon. Oh how deceptive he is. I was just a body to marry. He did not love me. He just wanted me to take care of him. Well I dont want to marry a child. I want to marry a partner.

I know I am lucky he married someone else. But it hurts that my friend did not even tell me. Did not have the common courtesy to fill me in that he was dating two girls. What a jerk. Well I erased all signs of him from my phone, and blocked him from my blog and facebook. I do not have his # memorized so he is spared the angry texts i want to send full of hate and name calling and begging for understanding.

How messed up am I that I cannot find love? I swear I am living the commandments to the best of my ability. Of course I could do more charity and more missionary work and scripture study longer, but I am doing alright. Why cant I have the blessings of love and a family? 

I am relieved that Josh has chosen to exclude me in his life. It will be fore the best but it stings right now. I am blessed with so many things that I do not have the right to complain. I have electricity, phone, internet. I have friends. I have a house. I have a job. A great job!!! I have food in the fridge even ice cream! I have an education. I am so blessed. so blessed!

Teeth + Flossing = Party

Shay is my niece. She is 6. She lost three teeth in three days (one top and two bottom). Then I had the honor to remove the other top tooth when I visited Utah last week. Shay was not to eager to have me remove the tooth but my fingers itched to touch tooth. I had been on vacation for almost 7 days by then and really wanted to grasp that tooth. Josh (who is so cute in the background) suggested I bribe her with $1. So I did. then Grandpa added $1 to the pot as did Josh. Shay was still resistant to let me have any fun. But her mother reminded her that with the money she could get the princess purse from the dollar store. That worked! I removed the tooth and she got her purse!  I was so happy. Earlier in my trip I stayed with my brother Brent and his wife Jenni. My sister Jo Ann and Jenni sister Andrea are staying there as well so it was a party! Brent and Jenni have a dog Lexie who is a really likable dog. She let me floss her teeth! Well mostly she licked the floss but I got floss between a few teeth.What a champ! She helped complete my week!Since we were all having a party we decided to celebrate my brother Daniel's birthday. It was a last minute party that turned out pretty well. We had tons of shrimp and pineapple on the grill with mint oreo ice cream cake. It was so great to see all my family. I miss them dearly.

I have been having so many thoughts that have not made it onto paper or screen. One day I will sort out my thoughts and air them. Until then thank you for your patience.

Portland Grass

This Lawn is on the my walk to wok. I pass it everyday. I have been watch the brown spot grow and grow. What I find so unusual is that  it has been barely 30 days since Portland last had rain. And this particular lawn has automatic sprinklers. So what is the deal with Portland grass?

I am familiar with the hearty varieties of grass that are in Utah that survive on tiny amounts of water and are green and lush. while here the lawns are at their finest in the winter and early spring. It is amazing the amount of water it takes to keep this variety of lawn alive. In order for this variation of lawn to survive it has to be able to live in marshy type weather. I mean from Oct to June it rains almost everyday. Anyway the poor dry grass. . . .late summer is hard on every variety.

And how pathetic that I just posted about grass. Not even medicinal grass!