Josh you all remember Josh. The man who helped me so much when I was getting divorced. Josh helped me a lot. He made me feel loved and special. He was a great friend and has been for several years.
Friday we were talking on the phone. It was about 9 pm (my time) and he was arriving at his brothers house for dinner. I got off the phone with him and started surfing online. Christinna had written on his facebook page and I was jealous. I was surprised at this feeling and texted it to Josh. He texted back saying I had nothing to be jealous of from her. At midnight I texted wishing him fun at his bros. At 1 am I texted goodnight.
Saturday I texted at 7:30 am asking him to please call me. It was unusual he had not done so already. He called about 11 am. We talked and decided that he was going to move on a date other people because he was ready to be married and I was not. I cried and cried.
Sunday he texted that he would call me after church and we would have a good talk. It never happened.
Monday he says he is sick going to ER.
Tuesday I text inquiring about his safety. I am missing my friend really bad by now. I started texting Dan to fill the void.
Wednesday 2 am I text some angry hurt texts asking for an explanation for the avoidance. At noon I get a text saying I am getting married. I call him at 1:15 on my lunch and get voicemail. I go off on how I thought I was at least a friend and hoped that he would be decent enough to talk to me. That I deserved that. While leaving said voicemail I received a text from him announcing....I just got married. WHAT?
I am so happy, sad, glad, excited, relieved, deceived, hurt and betrayed. How? Was he dating Christinna when he was dating me? Was he lying to me when he said he loved me? Am I not worth waiting for? I am really glad I do not have him in my life. Other than I miss my friend. We had become very close friends. We knew a lot about each other. My heart aches to talk to him and to understand how he could lie to me. How he could avoid me. How can he think I am worth ignoring. One scenario I came up with is that Christinna will let him drink. I would not. I said we can be friends and you can drink. He said he wanted to be more than friends and I said ok you cannot drink. So I am sure tonight he is loving life drinking and loving on his wife. When two weeks ago he was kissing on me in front of my family. Charming them and giving them hope that I would be moving back to Utah soon. Oh how deceptive he is. I was just a body to marry. He did not love me. He just wanted me to take care of him. Well I dont want to marry a child. I want to marry a partner.
I know I am lucky he married someone else. But it hurts that my friend did not even tell me. Did not have the common courtesy to fill me in that he was dating two girls. What a jerk. Well I erased all signs of him from my phone, and blocked him from my blog and facebook. I do not have his # memorized so he is spared the angry texts i want to send full of hate and name calling and begging for understanding.
How messed up am I that I cannot find love? I swear I am living the commandments to the best of my ability. Of course I could do more charity and more missionary work and scripture study longer, but I am doing alright. Why cant I have the blessings of love and a family?
I am relieved that Josh has chosen to exclude me in his life. It will be fore the best but it stings right now. I am blessed with so many things that I do not have the right to complain. I have electricity, phone, internet. I have friends. I have a house. I have a job. A great job!!! I have food in the fridge even ice cream! I have an education. I am so blessed. so blessed!
6 comments:
Oh maryann! i don't even know what to say other than i'm so sorry you are hurting :( Nobody deserves to be treated like that....i can't believe that as close as friends as you two have always been he didn't have the decency to at least let you know he was seeing somebody else too...especially after he just spent the weekend with you (as a couple) with your family. loser! you are better off without him. i'm sorry girl.
Where one door closes....another opens..
hang in there.
what the hell! I can't believe that he was that close to marrying someone else and was dating you/talking to you on the phone/kissing you/hanging out with your family/and texting you just days before the wedding. He would forever be someone you couldn't trust
I'm sorry for your hurt. I can only imagine how you feel.
All I can say is that someday you will find real, deep-down happiness... with or without a partner.
You are an incredible person and a really good example to the rest of us. Heavenly Father knows how hard you try.
Sheesh Mair, I'm so sorry! You have every right to be feeling upset and angry. He is ridiculous. Eventho it hurts now, you avoided a bomb with that guy. I'm so glad you stuck to your guns. You know what you want in a man, and it's not asking too much. Hang in there, you're awesome!!!
You are blessed, my friend. I am blessed to have you has my friend. I know you will find someone worthy of your love.
You are great. You have done everything in your life that you are supposed to do. In my opinion (based on being raised in a capitalistic society) you SHOULD be getting more good in your life than you currently are getting. You deserve the best of the best.
Yes, you are blessed, but yes, you can also complain. It still sucks that he's a jerk. Being angry at him is a normal emotional reaction. Go with it, but don't dwell on it. Move past it when you're ready.
And I want to say again that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with YOU. In all seriousness (and I know this is weird, but I'm going to get all churchy on you), we all know that in the end there logistically will NOT be enough worthy men for all the worthy women.
It sucks because you're one of the best women I know and I would vote for you to be one to buck the statistical trend, but in all reality, we're all going to strike out much more often than we score.
But remember-- it has NOTHING to do with YOU. It is NOT your fault and you are fabulous exactly the way you are. :-)
Wow, I'm shocked. I can't believe he wasn't totally honest with you. Why all the deception? You are learning a lot, but definitely the hard way. I know things will get better for you because you are amazing!
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