Thank You

I dont have a cute child to take a pic of so....here I am ha ha ha

Today Dan got the last of his stuff out of my apartment. What a sad lonely day. It is horrible. How my heart is breaking.

Enough of that. My apartment is empty now. And to help myself feel better I took extra care this morning to look good for church. It has been a while since all I do is cry I figure why put contacts in, why put makeup on why do my hair just pull it in a pony tail. So today I looked good and felt good. I tried to capture my cuteness but I failed. (I will be single forever since I think this is looking good....ha ha ha)

What else is new. I seem to be failing at several things I try ha ha ha.

I am an emotional eater. I am stressed, sad, mad, hurt, and scared. I wanted some French Silk Chocolate Pie. I googled recipes trying to stall my craving. I caved after Dan shut the door and I was done bawling.

Look at this beautiful chocolaty-ness

Each egg needed 5 minutes of whipping. After all the ingredients and about 25 minutes of whipping.

This is the finished product. It is good. It will do the job but did not satisfy my craving for a piece of Shari's (local restaurant chain like Marie Calendar's) French Silk Chocolate Pie. But pretty close. I think it needs more chocolate-or a deeper chocolate flavor. It is sweet and creamy I just wanted a deeper darker chocolate.

Natalie Carrigan (formerly Jones-she to has been down the road I am on) from WSU and I went to the temple on Friday and had a wonderful lunch. I am so lucky she has moved here. While divorce is horrible and miserable and I am sad Natalie (and Maria and Korbin and Heidi and countless others) had to go through it I am glad there is understanding for me and my sadness and ickiness. I am so lucky to have great friends. I also know you all are praying for me. I can feel strength and I wonder where it comes from and my heart was told it was all of your prayers. I thank you so much for your prayers. I feel the love and strength from you and your faithfulness. Thank you from the depths of my heart.

Best Boss Ever

I have said this before; I have the best boss. And I am going to say it again....I have THE best boss. Nikki was our front office ninja. She is amazing. She chose to leave our office for one closer to her house--an office of 3 mormon dentist and 5 RDH and tons off staff...all in the same ward ha ha ha. Nikki is not LDS but knows the values and greatness etc. The person hired to replace her was Hannah. Stupid Hannah is what I said in my head when I thought of her. She changed things and I guess I hate change. But I was trying to be a team player. She would not sit with me at lunch. I figured I smelled. She would not go out to eat with Kym and me. We thought she was poor. Well Kym started hating her. Then Nikki calls Kym and says there is a position at her office for Kym. Kym interviews and gets the job. It is a job as Hygiene Coordinator. More hours, better hours and more pay. How can she refuse. So she gives her notice. I cry.
Dr M goes into a trance like state. Hannah is doing a jig. At the end of the day Dr M says Kym I cannot loose you what will it take to keep you. After a long talk it is decided that Hannah needs to go. The next day Dr M pulls me aside and confirms my dislike of Hannah.
Hannah is gone. Bonnetta has taken her place. I love Bonnetta. Well Bonnetta has been working without training of how our office does things....I mean a front office is a front office but there are little quirks etc. And since Hannah could not be asked to train her replacement Bonnetta is making a go alone. She is great. Well Dr M did payroll this week since Bonnetta has only worked 3 days. I get my pay stub from a panicked Dr since he knows we all have direct deposit. He was not aware that we got pay stubs ha ha ha ha. I look at mine and there is 10 extra hours. I was like wow I worked more than I thought. Upon further investigation I found out Dr M called in my hours wrong. He said he would take care of it.
An hour later he comes into my op and whispers...consider it a bonus but do not tell anyone.

WOW! I got paid 10 extra hours. Being honest and telling him totally worked out for me! How great is my dentist? He gives me insurance, 2 raises in 5 months, 10 hours free, he has given me so much. But the most important thing is this....he backs me up each and every time. I saw a patient who marked no on tobacco use in health history. His palate was grey and looked like a smoker. I found out he did start using tobacco 2 months ago. I told him his palate did not look right and that I would have sworn he had smoked for 20 years. Dr M backed me up and told the patient that he was probably prone to cancer and to stop right now....exactly what I said. My last office the DDS would have said watch it.
Then I saw this one area on the buccal mucosa on 30 that was not right. It was leukoplakic. It was the only spot. etc. Dr M talked to him and referred him to an oral surgeon. We have not heard back yet. One more patient had a 5 mm pocket on the mesial of 4 . Then 4 months later it was a 5mm. But the xray showed significant vertical boneloss. I pointed it out. Dr M probed and got the same and referred him to the periodontist. He said exactly what I said...that bone loss and recession was happening in this area. My last office....WATCH. They never backed me up when i saw tissue anomalies or tried to get patients to quit tobacco. I now have this great dr who appreciates me-he called me once on a Saturday to tell me that he valued my patient care ethics. He subbed at another office and the next day he came to work pulled me aside and gave me a raise for being a great RDH. He said the one at his friends office was horrible. I know he values me and I know he trusts my knowledge and opinion on our patients perio health. I am so lucky to work there. We are a great team.

Stormy Days

This is the beach at Seaside Oregon.

It was a stormy day. The waves were rough, brown, sandy and foamy. After this storm blew in there was a rainbow.

I was enchanted by the foam. It scooted across the sand rapidly as the wind blew strong and constant. This foam fascinated me. I guess my only excuse is that I have been land locked most of my life and have not experienced this phenomenon. I loved it. I arrived at the beach at high tide. There was not much beach to drive on. My truck had waves lapping at the tires. For some reason the power of the wind, the anger of the waves and the churning of the water and the movement of the tide made me a little nervous. I am unaccustomed to this raw power.

I liked it ha ha ha.

I enjoyed my therapeutic day at the beach. I had some self realization that was wonderful for my soul. I am working hard at getting myself back. I am amazed at how much I have let Dan change me. I thought I was stronger than that.

Well I hope you enjoy the cold west coast scenes.

I laugh at my Timing!!!

November 2008 I started this afghan. I was married on November 1, 2008. Today I finally finished it. It is wonderful. It is soft and amazing and up for grabs. Yesterday Dan and I decided that it would be best and necessary for him to move out by the end of March. I am relieved he is going. I am glad. I am sad. I am a dork and gave into Dan again last night. He is such a user of me. I am ready for him to be out of my life. I feel bad that i could not make it work. I feel like I should have tried harder and forgave more. I know men are not perfect. I am not perfect. I expect perfection though. I hold myself to high standards and expected Dan to be the same so every time he drank, smoked, slept instead of going with me to church, did not do the dishes, never cleaned the bathroom I would freak out. He never got upset at me for being late with dinner, or making something not very good. He never freaked out if I did not do the dishes. I feel so mean. I am sorry I was so selfish and wanting him to hold to his word of marrying me in the temple. But oh well no one is perfect especially me. I finished this afghan at the end of my marriage. I am not sure if I want the memories of it or not. Part of me wants to hold onto the afghan and the memories and another part of me says screw it kill all memories and move on. Either way it is hard and sad.

How great is the moon?

Another week has passed. My cold has gone away. I got a kink in my neck and the pain is still lingering. I am so amazed that I cannot heal like I did when I was younger. I feel so old. This week I had 2 patients tell me they were pregnant. It is always a bitter sweet moment for me when I congratulate patients for having children. It is now a bit more bitter because I am dealing with the fact that I will probably not ever be a mother. If by some miracle Dan and I work things out like we keep trying, he will be gone for about 2 years starting in December for a deployment to Afghanistan. By time he gets back my eggs will have shriveled up and died. Or if we go our separate ways the chances of finding and trusting another man who wants to have children at this late age is going to be a miracle. And I dont think miracles happen. I went to my counselor yesterday and I admitted to him that I am scared. I am scared of being alone, I am scared of loosing love, I am scared of not having my own family, I am scared of failing at marriage/love. Life is so hard right now. But guess what? The moon was so beautiful the other night. This picture was taken just East of the Columbia River Gorge. Once you exit the gorge the landscape of Oregon changes to high desert. It reminds me of Utah so much. The wind blows daily like it does in parts of Utah. There are several wind farms. They are enormous. I thought this scene was so beautiful with the sun reflecting on the eastern sky. It made me happy and for a minute I forgot that I lost my job at Albertsons--after 10 years my part time hours were given to the full time staff. And with the loss of that job I am more reliant on a second income. I am scared to make it alone. I might have to get rid of my truck....so sad. But how great is the moon?