Post #420

For some reason I have been looking forward to this post for quite a while. It might have started during the time I dated Josh Nay. He was quiet the user of 'spice'. I dated Josh while I was in Portland and marijuana is legal in Oregon with a prescription from a doctor-and it is easy to get. I woke up many times from the smell of pot being smoked. It is such a nauseating smell. Whatever the cause the truth is that I have been looking forward to this post.

Now that it is here I am not as excited. I have decided to go private private with my blog. This means that I will be the only one to read my blog. I appreciate all of the hours you have spent reading my words and my thoughts, my pains and my success. I have loved sharing my fears and my opinions with you. Journal writing is the main way I process my feelings. I have found 420 chances to express my feelings and my thoughts. I have appreciated deeply the comments and the attention to my words. Thank you very much!

Point of View

Point of view is a weird thing. A person can only have one-their own. Yet as humans we can understand others POV and we can learn to see things from their POV but originally we only have our own POV. My POV has been so very wrong lately. And thinking about it for several days I thing my POV is way out of whack, I think it is broken. It is a very stomach sickening thing to learn about oneself.

I remember one significant day when I first noticed my POV was out of line. I was 13 years old and entering high school. Looking at the seniors I thought they were so big and so tall and so mature. Then a mere 4 years later I was a senior and when I looked at the seniors I realized that we were not that big, that in fact it was the freshmen who were tiny, scrawny, puny, and immature. I should have learned right there and then that my POV is wrong.

Over the next two decades I have learned about friends and their POV. There are so many POV out there. I have maintained friendships even though our POV on religion is not the same. Some of my friends do not have the same POV politically as I do yet we hang out and enjoy the things we do have similar POV on.  I have way more friends who have a POV regarding drinking alcohol than I do yet I enjoy going to events where we each have a choice of beverage and each can life according to our POV..

I know my POV is very wrong. I know that I have much to work on and much to understand. My sister is going through a trial that I have prayed more than once that I could be the one to go through it and spare her heart. My POV thinks that I cannot take this trial from her. My POV says that it is ok. She will be ok. Just as I was ok during the last 3 years of my life. My POV says that only I could do what I did and only she can do what she is doing. She has to learn and live and love through her own POV and I cannot cange her POV. I can only understand that my POV is wrong.  Each person on this planet has heartache of some kind. It may be public or it may be hidden but we all have it! We all have our POV to help keep us human.

Today in church my Bishop explained the need for a new study curriculum for the 12-18 year olds of the LDS religion.   His words were that while the youth today were an extraordinary generation and very strong but that many of the youth were being lost to immoral sins. The POV of the LDS church regarding chastity and morality are very strict and my POV agrees with the LDS church and I have chosen to live these laws. I find them to be freeing even though they seem so restrictive. It is a complicated POV of mine. Anyway, the youth in the world today are introduced to sex and experimenting with sex at such early ages that my church is trying to prevent the consequences of promiscuity.  The lessons plans now taught every Sunday to these young people will be NOTHING. No lessons will be prepared. Instead the adolescent will be given a topic such as the Godhead and the teen will research at home and then come with info for a discussion. This provides a way for the teens to learn on their own-in their own houses, to study out a topic and learn for themselves if it is something that they want to commit to. I think this is wonderful. But I am reminded of a time when I was a teen and my mother taught me about signs of the last days before Jesus Christ comes again. She said we would be required to teach the gospel in our own home. My POV interpreted that to mean that I would be living in a land where teaching the gospel in a public setting would be prevented. My POV thought that I would have to teach my children and myself alone. As a result I saved every manual and every church resource I could get my hands on. Yet sitting in church today I realized that my POV was once again WRONG! I will not be living in a world where I cannot publicly practice my religion. I will not have children. I will not be all alone in my teachings. Now my POV thinks that I will be required to teach those in my house the gospel so that they can stand on their own two feet and choose for themselves what they believe. The best environment for families to learn together is in the home and now my POV has changed.

POV is a ever changing thing. I know mine is completely flawed. I know my POV has let me down several times. I try to learn and try to change. I try. Yet I fail. My POV is only my point of view. I do not have anyone else's experiences and I do not have other people's thoughts. I just have mine and I am a 100% imperfect woman who fails 100% of the time.

Sad Sad Days

The day before Thanksgiving I used to think of a woman I consider a friend-Crystal Oberg and her tradition of pie day. This year my 'pie day' was a funeral day. 

This is my sister Lori and her family. This was taken last year.  

I returned last night from the funeral of Lori's husband. It was not the saddest funeral experience I have had and I am bothered by that fact. I should be devastated for the loss my sister and her children are experiencing. I am saddened that they have to go through this trial. I am almost consumed with worry for their well being. I have not slept for days. I am so worried and ready to fight someone who interferes with the generosity of the Community of Delta. 

Ok. Vague words aside. . . Here is my point of view of this tragic event in the life of my sister Lori (37).  Matt and Lori were married on May 16, 1997.  They have 3 children. Ty (10), Shay (8), AJ (2).  I learned early November that Matt's prognosis of surviving cancer (I am not sure of the variety; but think it is rectal or colon) was not as good as I was lead to believe in October. Then on November 10 I was told Matt was going home to Delta after a long stay in some hospital in Northern Utah to be on hospice care and pass away. I was devastated. The next day I went to Stake Conference. I am sitting there listening to the talks on family and young people. I had the idea to make some little booklets for my niece and nephews. This book would ask questions about their dad.  I wanted the children to find some sort of activity to keep them occupied while learning about their dad and spending the last few days together on this earth.  I included some disposable cameras and had gave them assignments to use that camera.  This idea was inspired from Heavenly Father. I knew it. I started the project that night. With Scott's help I was able to finish them and ship them out on Monday, which was Veteran's Day and no mail. Lori received the package on Wednesday-the day they arrived from the hospital. Thursday Lori and Matt told their children that Matt was going to die soon and gave them the package. Friday night (2:30 am Saturday) Matt passed away. It was quicker than I expected and a shock to my heart. 

Matt was born the same year I was. Matt and I were in the same grade in school. I remember meeting him on my first day of school upon moving from Provo to Delta in 2nd grade. I have many emotions about Matt. I honestly have a spot inside of me that is filled with love for him. He was my sister's choice in an eternal spouse. My honest and brutal feelings about Matt have been for years simply this phrase--"I love him, but I do not like him"  This makes me sound like a jerk. I know it does. I know. And yet I have tried for 15 years to change this. 

I have had talks with Matt and Lori. Good ones. I have mailed packages for Christmas, birthdays, and Halloween. I have texted, telephoned, emailed, and visited their house. I have invited them to every trip and adventure I had. I have tried. 

Due to my own choices I have not been welcome in their company for over a year. 

I was not invited to Shay's baptism in October. 

It has hurt me a lot to know that one day everything was fine and I was told to my face everything was fine and then BAM it wasn't. 

I digress. Back to the passing of Matt.

I was sitting in the chapel and listening to the speakers talk about Matt and all the things he did. I heard how he was a great mechanic and a great farmer. I heard many things and as I heard them I realized that I did not know this side of Matt. It really bothered me that I did not know the man they were talking about. I asked myself, "how is that possible?" We grew up in the same small town, went to the same high school, graduated together and then were 'family' for 15 years! How come I did not know him? 

It has to be my fault