Sad Sad Days

The day before Thanksgiving I used to think of a woman I consider a friend-Crystal Oberg and her tradition of pie day. This year my 'pie day' was a funeral day. 

This is my sister Lori and her family. This was taken last year.  

I returned last night from the funeral of Lori's husband. It was not the saddest funeral experience I have had and I am bothered by that fact. I should be devastated for the loss my sister and her children are experiencing. I am saddened that they have to go through this trial. I am almost consumed with worry for their well being. I have not slept for days. I am so worried and ready to fight someone who interferes with the generosity of the Community of Delta. 

Ok. Vague words aside. . . Here is my point of view of this tragic event in the life of my sister Lori (37).  Matt and Lori were married on May 16, 1997.  They have 3 children. Ty (10), Shay (8), AJ (2).  I learned early November that Matt's prognosis of surviving cancer (I am not sure of the variety; but think it is rectal or colon) was not as good as I was lead to believe in October. Then on November 10 I was told Matt was going home to Delta after a long stay in some hospital in Northern Utah to be on hospice care and pass away. I was devastated. The next day I went to Stake Conference. I am sitting there listening to the talks on family and young people. I had the idea to make some little booklets for my niece and nephews. This book would ask questions about their dad.  I wanted the children to find some sort of activity to keep them occupied while learning about their dad and spending the last few days together on this earth.  I included some disposable cameras and had gave them assignments to use that camera.  This idea was inspired from Heavenly Father. I knew it. I started the project that night. With Scott's help I was able to finish them and ship them out on Monday, which was Veteran's Day and no mail. Lori received the package on Wednesday-the day they arrived from the hospital. Thursday Lori and Matt told their children that Matt was going to die soon and gave them the package. Friday night (2:30 am Saturday) Matt passed away. It was quicker than I expected and a shock to my heart. 

Matt was born the same year I was. Matt and I were in the same grade in school. I remember meeting him on my first day of school upon moving from Provo to Delta in 2nd grade. I have many emotions about Matt. I honestly have a spot inside of me that is filled with love for him. He was my sister's choice in an eternal spouse. My honest and brutal feelings about Matt have been for years simply this phrase--"I love him, but I do not like him"  This makes me sound like a jerk. I know it does. I know. And yet I have tried for 15 years to change this. 

I have had talks with Matt and Lori. Good ones. I have mailed packages for Christmas, birthdays, and Halloween. I have texted, telephoned, emailed, and visited their house. I have invited them to every trip and adventure I had. I have tried. 

Due to my own choices I have not been welcome in their company for over a year. 

I was not invited to Shay's baptism in October. 

It has hurt me a lot to know that one day everything was fine and I was told to my face everything was fine and then BAM it wasn't. 

I digress. Back to the passing of Matt.

I was sitting in the chapel and listening to the speakers talk about Matt and all the things he did. I heard how he was a great mechanic and a great farmer. I heard many things and as I heard them I realized that I did not know this side of Matt. It really bothered me that I did not know the man they were talking about. I asked myself, "how is that possible?" We grew up in the same small town, went to the same high school, graduated together and then were 'family' for 15 years! How come I did not know him? 

It has to be my fault