Soap Box

Kymberly and I went to The Lion King  in Portland last night. It was beautiful and wonderful. It was so good to see live theater again. I have missed it very much since leaving Cedar City. Kym and I had a great dinner before the show. We went to Mortons The Steakhouse. It was such an experience. The menu was a visual menu. They showed us the steaks and lobster that were the largest I have ever seen in my life. So Kym and I decided to share a steak. It was cooked perfectly and seasoned just right. We also had steamed asparagus. It was perfect. After the play we went back to Mortons and had a creme brule. It too was perfect.It was a great night full of conversation and talent.

Friday morning I went to the courthouse to get the official divorce decree so I can get my name changed. It was harder than expected. I almost did not go get it. I cried and cried. It was harder than I anticipated. I kept yelling at myself to just go to the courthouse and get the papers so I can move on with my life. I wanted to procrastinate it but decided I did not want to cry anymore. So I went. I was not able to go to the DMV or Social Sec Office because I took too much time crying ha ha ha.

I ended up going into work on Friday for about 3 hours. We are interviewing yet another front office person. We have not had good luck. It has been hard. Our books are a mess. The charts are a mess. I am a mess. I now know how to take payments and print walkouts and all that stuff I have not had to do. It is good for me. Anyway Friday Dr M wanted Kym and I to have lunch with a woman he wants to hire. He wants to make sure we can work with her. She is nice. But Kym likes the temp we have had for a week better. Both are looking for work. The job market is so tough right now. I cannot believe it.

I have been feeling pressure to move to Utah but I am really worried about the job market there. I do not think I would find a better office. And I know they would not pay me what I am making here in Portland. Lets face it, Utah dentists are cheap of the cheap. I mean here in Portland they pay their receptionists $20 and their assistants $30. But they also charge $350 per quad SRP. I don't know what to do. Going to The Lion King made me lonely. We sat by two couples who were just cute and affectionate. Their love made me jealous. I am sick to death of being alone. I think I am amazing. I know how to have fun, be frugal, cook food, clean house, bargain shop, work hard, . . . and on and on. So just because my body size is larger than Hollywood portrays and the media expects men wont even look at me. Except Dan. I still have to fight him off, literally-not even 2 hours ago. Ugh. Why? There must be some other defect i am overlooking because I have dated tons and met tons of men. None are ever interested. It hurts my heart. I wish I could find a man who chooses to follow the LDS standards who is decent and good. It really is harder than it looks. My counselor told me that the men in my demographic are a mess. He is speaking about men in my age and my religion. Part of me wants to say forget religion and date whoever makes me happy and treats me right, works hard and contributes to society instead of draining it. Well enough soap box today.  

The Great State of Washington

This is Leavenworth Washington. It is a little German tourist trap. I loved every minute of my visit here! I drove up to Yakima WA Friday afternoon to visit my friend Emily. She graduated from hygiene school a year after I did. She has been and always will be a good friend. She has been working as a commissioned officer for the Indian Health Services. Her job is a tough one. She does SRP more often than a regular prophy. This means she cleans really really dirty mouths.  Most of her patients are diabetic, asthmatic, overweight possibly alcoholic and drug dependant. She takes each patient and does her best to give them the care they receive free due to being Native Americans. Imagine the attitude of the patients who do not have to pay or care about their teeth. The white guys will take care and fix it....What a hard job. It is very difficult to get her patients to even brush their teeth so forget about a proxy brush or floss. .  .

I digress, Saturday Emily and I woke and left for a lovely drive to Leavenworth. This is Emily in her glory with just a sample of the wonderful flowers all around.

These little shops were filled with Bavarian Chocolate, Danish pastry, German beer. Just a view of the mountains and the treesI thought that this view was amazing.there is a peak behind the clouds that was beautiful covered in snow.Leavenworth is nestled in between some grand and beautiful mountain peaks. I can only imagine the winter wonderland this creates.The scenery was just so romantic and Sound of Music-y.

Emily and I stopped for lunch at Cafe Chrisa. It was absolutely wonderful. I had spatzel and schnitzel. Emily had a Ruben with German potato salad. I tried her selections and loved them. . . even the potato salad. It was full of vinegar and yumminess. I caved and bought a cinnamon roll loaf. It is amazing and gooey and I have a feeling it will make delish french toast tomorrow.

I saw many deer and one buck. The forest we drove through was so beautiful. Not mossy like Oregon forest. My heart is tender and I was really in a nostalgic romantic mood and this drive was wonderfully perfect from the birds to the wildflowers to the sun and the rain.

Speaking of rain. Saturday night Emily and I planned on attending the Speedway to watch speed races. But rain cancelled the races. So we went to the raceway--dirt track. We waited 90 minutes and they cancelled it also. But those 90 minutes were great fun. The cars were trying to get around the track for warm up and no one could make it without getting stuck. Even the big CAT got stuck on every turn. There was mud flying everywhere. It was pretty entertaining. They would not give us a refund only a rain check for next weekend. Weird policy.This is a picture of hop plants. Hops is used to make beer. I am not a drinker but I find these plants fascinating. Look how they grow up the strings. That has to be labor intensive for the farmer.Then there are wires on top of the strings and the hops grow over then down. When they grow down they are ripe and ready for harvest. This spring has been unusually cool and wet so the hops have not had much of a chance to grow. I love how these fields look. Emily told me that they smell pretty bad when they are more mature. I can only imagine. I will have to venture up this fall to experience it myself.

All in all it was a wonderful weekend. I got hurt by my past. I decided to date other people. All I want is an LDS man who tries his best to live the life he covenanted and chose to live. Believe it or not it is a hard thing to find. Time will tell. I am still planning on seeing Josh all I can but I am going to date as many men as it takes.

Differences in Probes?

Introducing the Marquis probe. This is my probe of choice. The probe is a very important instrument for dental hygienists. I use mine every patient every time. I never knew there was a difference in probing devices. One of my first weeks at Dr M office he asked me if I liked the Marquis probe. I told him honestly that I did not have an opinion. Well February 2010 I developed an opinion. I love the Marquis probe. Since discovering my stance on the subject my co-workers have teased me and teased me for taking my sweet time forming an opinion on this subject. I took over a year to decide.

What makes this probe ideal for sinking into pockets? I am not sure all I know is that it really and truly does slip into the sulcus with ease. I hate it when I probe and my dr asks what is going at the distal of 2 and I say 4 mm pocketing and he probes and gets 6. Ugh. So embarrassing. Well that is all I have to say on the matter of probes. Alien probing will be discussed later.

A Wonderful Weekend

I got home from my weekend in Utah for Memorial Day on Monday night. Dan offered to pick me up from the airport. I agreed. I was taking advantage of his kindness. But behold he was being sneaky....big surprise. He ended up taking me to see Robin Hood. I enjoyed Russel Crowe and the movie. Sometimes I liked the music and sometimes I didn't. So there you go...

Tuesday night Dan showed up at my door with flowers. We ran to get a burger and came back to the apartment to talk. He wanted to get back together with me. I was dying. I had been begging him for months to get back with me and here he was two days before signing our divorce papers asking me to come back. He proceeded to list all the things I needed to change. I asked what he thought he needed to change. And all I got was him trying to get some action. I started not feeling well.  I realized right then and there that I was so lucky that Dan left me. I am happier without him. It kind of hurts my heart to say that. This past month I have found my happy Mair....my muchness....me....myself. I told Dan I did not want to try again and went into the bathroom and did not come out til Thursday. Dan texted mean hurtful things. I thought it was odd that Dan and I switched places. I know he was hurt. I feel bad I hurt him. I feel bad our marriage failed. But most of all I felt bad I ate that burger. I got way sick. Wednesday i had to call in sick. I have never called in sick as a hygienist before. It was hard. But I was so sick. I wanted to die. I smelled like I did.

Wednesday Dan came over. He brought me crackers and Gatorade. He cleaned up my garbage can full of puke and the bowl of puke. He then tried to get in my pants more than a few times. I kept pushing him away. I was irritated. I told him I was not going to be with him. I told him I was sick. I was not in the mood to fight. I just wanted to lay down and die. He finally left.

Thursday is early work day. I got there at 6:30 am. I worked til noon. Dr M had to get come calc I missed on the lower anterior, I took one bitewing backwards, and I was slow. But I made it. I finished all my patients and was still standing. I was still weak and visited the bathroom. I got off work and went home. Got in my truck and left to go to the airport. I picked Josh up and went to the courthouse. The whole day Dan had been texting me. I thought he had forgotten Josh was coming but Dan was just playing games. He finally came out and asked if I was bringing Josh to the courthouse. I was not going to. I did not. Josh was a champ and completely understanding and wonderful. He had me drop him off at a motor sports store and i went to the courthouse. I was there for a total of 39 minutes. I visited two different bathrooms. I am now wondering if my stomach issues are from that dang burger or from my nerves. We get our signatures notarized and we filed the paper in such a short time that I was shocked. It was so easy it was hard. Dan just walked away from me as we exited the courthouse. No goodbye. No thanks. Nothing. I started to cry and I cried for about 20 minutes. I picked up Josh and put it behind me. Josh tried to hard to comfort me and to help me know he understood how hard filing even a crappy marriage is hard.

We went to my apartment. I freshened up a bit and we went to see Prince of Persia. It was exactly what I wanted. . . .to make out in the dark with someone who cared about me. Please don't think I am a flousy. I am not taking Josh forgranted. I am not being reckless with his heart. I am trying to be careful. But I also sure enjoyed pure make-out.

Friday I my stomach was still a bit grumbly so we hung out at the mall for a while before I needed a nap. Josh was a champ dealing with my sickness.

Saturday we went downtown to enjoy the Rose Festival carnival and Saturday Market. We had a blast. The sun was shining. The navy ships were in the river and looked huge and amazing. It was great. Then we went to Kym's (co-worker) house for dinner.

Sunday after I had gone to church I took Josh to the Columbia River Gorge. We wend down the Historic Highway. This highway starts at the Vista House...see picture at the end. My Internet and blogger are fighting me and I am loosing ha ha ha

Anyway we enjoyed the several waterfalls and lush green forest of the highway-even in the rain.Monday we went to the coast. We started in Seaside-my favorite. As we were walking on the beach I saw something in the water. As we got closer we realized it was a seal or sea lion....not sure the difference. He/She came on shore for some sun. He did not look injured. He did not care that we got this close. Although I went to touch him and he growled at me. He let me know I had entered his personal space. We respected that and moved on. But how cool was it to see? I loved it!

The self portraits are my favorite. I had a wonderful weekend.

Tuesday I had to go to work. Josh came downtown to my office to have lunch with me. He braved the Max Light Rail and a big unknown city. He totally faced the unfamiliar just for me. After work I took him to the airport.It was quite sad. I was ready for my apartment back-my space. But I sure did enjoy the company. I could get used to having someone in my life. Ok I could have Josh in my life. He showed me a different universe from Dan. He respected me and my standards. He was amazingly kind. I felt so loved and worshiped from him. He knows I am scared and was very careful not to say too much. I know he wanted to say more than "You're Damn Lucky" (The three words he told me-lol). I am hesitant to open myself.

Josh told me he had dreamt about me before we reconnected in April. I am not sure what that means. All I know is that Josh makes me feel amazing. I could get used to feeling that way everyday. I know I am angry because I have not been able to find love. Am I that repulsive? Hard to live with? Annoying? I am tired of being alone. All my adult life has been alone. I want to settle down. I am dreading dating. Ugh just the thought makes me cringe. What will my future hold? I am not sure. But I know this. I am wonderful and I deserve to be treated better than I was. I am damaged but I am healing. I want to be married again. I want to be with someone who is honest and true and loyal to me. Might have to get a dog to get that lol. Anyway it was a great weekend and I was sad to let him go back home.

A Good Thing

This is the cheesiest picture ever. My sister Jo Ann (On the left) painted my nails so they would be pretty when Josh saw me for the first time in 5 years.

This is not an after picture of my hair but it is what I have. We were waiting for it to soak into my hair.

My niece Shay wanted to know who Josh was. I had pictures on my phone. She quickly figured out how to use the touch screen and navigate through all my pictures. She did this for about an hour. It kept her pretty entertained.

After church I came home and my brother Daniel was there sitting in the favorite recliner with my mom's snuggie. Jenni (see above pic-she is on the right) made it for my mom for Christmas. I thought it was so funny I jumped into the recliner with him. I was laughing so hard that my fat butt fit in the chair with him!

(Notice the highlights in my hair) Josh was able to come on Friday night. He was a trooper. He hung out with my family. He helped me do the dishes -by hand. He talked forever with my father. He was patient and kind and careful.

On Sunday I decided suddenly that I had been a selfish brat. I had been making Josh jump through all these hoops and I was giving nothing. I told Josh this and said let's go see your parents. So we drove to Ephraim and visited his family for about an hour. Josh used to live in Delta. He lived through the field of me. His father (Cal) and my father are buds. Even years later Cal and my dad still get together and even email. So the visit to his parent's house was only minorly unsettling. As we were leaving Josh's mom starts saying how happy she is that we are together and I start freaking out. I said we are not together. She kept going on. I said Denise stop talking. She did not stop. She was trying to tell me how happy she was that I had made her son so happy and that I was a good woman. I know she was excited to have her son 'dating' a good woman but I did not want to even think about dating Josh yet. I am still technically married and my heart is really tender. I left the Nay family's house feeling bad that I had been so rude to Denise. She assured me that I was a Jones and therefore family.

My father did his share of grilling me. His first question when we were alone was....What is the deal with Josh. I told my dad I did not know. I said Josh wants me to give him a chance but that my heart was hurt and raw and sad. My dad understands-having been divorced himself. My dad told me to take it slow and take my time and see if Josh can take me to the temple.

All in all my family loves Josh and his family loves me. We had a great weekend visiting cemeteries and decorating graves with my grandmother. It was surprisingly fun. I am glad my sisters and nephew encouraged me to be brave and let Josh come for the whole weekend. It was a good thing.

S & J Salon

I would like to introduce Jenni Jones. My wonderful sister-in-law. She is amazing.

She is a wonderful CNA. Her skills are amazing. She has a secret love....Hair. She would love to go back and learn another skill.

She is simply talented. I let her put highlights in my hair. It was out of a box and looked pretty amazing. She really did a great job. I do not have an 'after' picture.

The story I wanted to tell you starts with Josh. Josh lives in St George Utah. I was going to Delta Utah for Memorial Day. Josh wanted to come see me. I was hesitant. Although I had received so much strength and help from Josh. He helped my heart heal after Dan. He truly did.

I was a selfish girl. I told Josh he could come to Delta on Sunday only. Not only could he only come on

Sunday but I would be going to all 3 hours of church and if he wanted to spend time with me he could come. Then I said I would be having Sunday dinner with my family and I would be cleaning up and I would be playing games with my siblings. He could hang out with my family if he wanted. I would not guarantee any alone time with him. He agreed to the deal.

The closer it came to Memorial Day the more I wondered about Josh and wondered what it would be like to go on a date with him. I proceeded to tell him he could come on Saturday night (after he had worked all day in Mt Green-and drive to Delta) and take me to a movie.

I was a selfish stinker.

SOOOOO

I am sitting in the S&J Salon (Susan and Jenni Salon-my mom-Susan is a licensed hair professional and did cut my hair before Jenni colored it). Ok I am sitting in the S&J Salon Friday night when Josh texted me and said he just got a call from his job in Mt Green and they said they did not need him to come to work on Saturday. He had packed his truck and was ready to leave St George as soon as he was off work in St George with the plan to stay with his parents in Ephraim, work Sat and then come to Delta to see me. I was faced with the delima. I asked my sisters if I should invite Josh to come up Friday night and hang out all weekend with me and my family or should I make him stick to the original plan. I was scared. My heart is tender. I had not officially signed divorce papers. How could I even entertain thoughts of another man? How could I let him come up and visit me? How could I? Was I destined to be on Jerry Springer? I posed my fears to my sisters and they encouraged me to invite him. My nephew even said...'quit being a sissy pants' So I was brave. . . braver than I expected and I invited Josh to come on Friday night.