Another week has passed. My cold has gone away. I got a kink in my neck and the pain is still lingering. I am so amazed that I cannot heal like I did when I was younger. I feel so old. This week I had 2 patients tell me they were pregnant. It is always a bitter sweet moment for me when I congratulate patients for having children. It is now a bit more bitter because I am dealing with the fact that I will probably not ever be a mother. If by some miracle Dan and I work things out like we keep trying, he will be gone for about 2 years starting in December for a deployment to Afghanistan. By time he gets back my eggs will have shriveled up and died. Or if we go our separate ways the chances of finding and trusting another man who wants to have children at this late age is going to be a miracle. And I dont think miracles happen. I went to my counselor yesterday and I admitted to him that I am scared. I am scared of being alone, I am scared of loosing love, I am scared of not having my own family, I am scared of failing at marriage/love. Life is so hard right now. But guess what? The moon was so beautiful the other night. This picture was taken just East of the Columbia River Gorge. Once you exit the gorge the landscape of Oregon changes to high desert. It reminds me of Utah so much. The wind blows daily like it does in parts of Utah. There are several wind farms. They are enormous. I thought this scene was so beautiful with the sun reflecting on the eastern sky. It made me happy and for a minute I forgot that I lost my job at Albertsons--after 10 years my part time hours were given to the full time staff. And with the loss of that job I am more reliant on a second income. I am scared to make it alone. I might have to get rid of my truck....so sad. But how great is the moon?
4 comments:
Miracles DO happen! Thinking and praying for you. The moon is beautiful. Trav thinks he is going to move me out of the state, so pictures like this make me realize there are some constants in our lives. miss your guts!
i love that even through your hard times you are seeing the positives. That is a gorgeous pic! I'm a total sucker for sunrise and sunset photos! I believe in miracles, i hope one finds you soon! You are a strong, amazing woman and I know you will be able to make it through anything!
Adoption, Invetro, freeze your eggs, sperm bank, or just use Dan for his sperm. Your still married right?! Any way sorry about albertsons. When one door closes another one opens. Love you and again so sorry for being insensitive. You will get the chance to have a family. You may just be lucky enough to have a perfect family in the maliniam. (spelling sucks).
1-This picture is gorgeous!!
2-You will be an AMAZING mother. I have zero doubt that you will get what you really want.
3-DO NOT sell your truck. Do whatever you have to do to cut costs elsewhere, but DO NOT sell your truck.
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