Purging

Last night was my co-worker Betsy's birthday. Kym and Betsy got all dressed up. I did not because I have lost any sense of style I ever had. Luckily Betsy curled my hair. Anyway we were looking great and hit the town. Portland has a pretty awesome place on the 30th floor of a building. Portland City Grill is a popular place for a nice business dinner or romantic night or place to meet business class men. does that make sense? It was a beautiful view of the city.

The Willamette River and the many bridges Portland had.

Betsy and Kym have been online dating like crazy. I do a little. They get many emails and many IM offers. And while several are totally inappropriate some are pretty descent. The two of them invited several men to meet us for drinks. I was totally intrigued to see who would show up. Two men showed up. That was it. I was surprised. Betsy is small, blond, gorgeous and Kym is small, dark hair and very flirty. I truly thought they would attract more men.

We get our tab and the food total was $40 and the drink total was $160. I only drank water and ate a minimal amount of food. One of the men told me I owed $20 and I got all irritated. He came half way through the night and bought Betsy a drink and he had a few and he ate more than me. He pitches in $30 which barely covered his drinks. I tried to be gracious and just put the money in but it is still bugging me that I let a man tell me what to do. There is no way I owed $20 on this tab. There was 7 of us who ate so truly I owed $6 or maybe $12 if I paid for the bday girl. I am having issues with men making me do stuff. It is really irritating to me. Why do men do this to me? Why do I allow it. I am not a stingy person. I am not mad I spent $20. I am mad I did not stand up for myself. I am mad I let this man tell me what to do. I hate this so bad I don't ever want to go out again. Not good. I need to be out and happy and experiencing life but I am still hanging on tho this icky feeling 12 hours later. I need to let it go. I chose to be silent and do what I was told. It is my responsibility to be happy and let this go. I think writing this out has helped purge it from my heart and now I can let go and just remember I had a fun night in a new place with a great view!

The Incredible Me

My life has been an adventure. I want to begin about 2006. I had just graduated for dental hygiene school. I got my old job full time in Cedar City Utah at Albertsons Pharmacy. I was traveling to Indiana. I asked for a job while mixing a prescription of creams for a diaper rash (called pink swizzle lol). I was mixing it for my future employers little boy. As I was mixing the pink concoction I asked him in his office needed a hygienist. He said yes. Life was perfect. I was living with my dear friend Angie and the Hamlet house. . . with the crazy cat lady downstairs. . .good times. I had not been on a date for over 2 years. It was depressing but reality.

Time goes on. I get told constantly from patients in the pharmacy and in the dental office that I was amazing, beautiful, a catch, perfect, funny, and wonderful. They all asked why I wasn't married. In my head I kept thinking because I cant get a man to ask me to marry him. I had done my share of asking men out. I joined an LDS online dating website. I made a deal to instigate (write) to two men a week and go from there. I also bought two tickets to a Globetrotters game with the intent to find a date. I asked and asked. I even asked a patient. He was so clueless that I was asking him out that when the words finally set in he had already said no but was trying to take it back and I was so hurt and mad that I would not hear it. I just said I'll go get the dr for your exam. I ended up going to the game with Lizi . . . more good times.

Friends from church and in my personal life were confused as to why I did not have a man pursuing me. I too wondered what was wrong with me. I know I am not a model. I am not a size 6. I am not plastic. I am just me. I like me. I am happy with me. I have a great career I have my stuff together. I am smart. I am kind. I am thoughtful. I work hard. I can change a tire. I can make my own salsa and bread and jerky. I can hold my own at Rook and Pollyanna. blah blah blah.

I found Dan. He worked hard to convince me to marry him. I did. It ended. I have been struggling with self image issues. For a year. Just recently I have remembered I am great. I am a good person. I did fail at my marriage but I can try again. I am beautiful. I am smart. I am a great hygienist. I am nice. I am personable. I am wonderful.

I am sitting here watching a Queen Latifah movie 'Just Wright'. She experiences the same thing. Being 35 and having men think she is wonderful and fun but only good for a friend. I laughed at this movie and it's cheesiness. But the truth is the same. Most men do not value me.

What tickles my fancy even more is that Sunday while waiting for the bus a man offered me some food from Taco Bell 'with no strings attached just food and maybe the chance to talk to me longer because I looked so beautiful' and then tonight when I came home from the bookstore there were two men out smoking by my stairs. I did the smile and nod and proceeded up the stairs while holding my breath. One man said 'now there is a great smile' I thanked him and kept on my way. I got to the top floor and I heard them say 'have you seen her before?' 'no' 'she is hot' 'i know' I am chuckling because this does not ever ever ever happen to me. and I love it!

I am blessed to have Todd tell me daily the hundreds of ways he thinks I am beautiful and amazing. It is pretty great being reminded of these things. I am who I am and I am great.

Geese, Chocolate and Happiness

Check out my happy geese! The plentiful rains Portland has been experiencing has created happy spots near my house for these melodious birds. I love them!

Last night was a perfect night. It started out at noon with Natalie Carrigan (from hygiene school-she lives in Salem OR 45 min south of me) came and we went to the temple. We both had a lovely lovely session. I love the peace and calm entering the temple gives me. Taking time out of the world and letting my worries go is so therapeutic.

After the temple, Natalie and I had a few minutes to chat and catch up on each others lives. We then made our way downtown and met Betsy (my front-office---she is amazing and fun and wonderful) for happy hour. We ordered tons of apps. Edemame, spicy spinach dip, fried mac n cheese, nachos, blah blah blah. We had to add a base for our pending chocolate sugar overload. So there was this moment when Lifehouse was on the radio, Utah Jazz on the big screen, had happy flavors in my mouth and Betsy, Natalie and I were having the best conversations. I paused and thanked Heavenly Father for carrying me through last year so that I could enjoy this moment. It was perfect.

Then we made it to Chocolatfest ! This was the second year I attended this event and it did not disappoint. In fact this year was better. The C-fest has grown in vendor participation and attendance so a larger venue was needed. It was perfect last night. It was still crowded yet booths were accessible. It was delightful. I ate more chocolate than I could and bought less than I wanted.

Some of my favorites were:

1. Coconut curry: It was like eating curry with coconut milk and chocolate

2. fig fennel and almond: Licroicey and fruity

3. red velvet cake with amazing butter cream icing

4. mint peppermint patties

5. dark choc with ginger---I loved this one

6. toffee

7. caramel corn. . . .chocolate covered

8. caramels

9. icings

10. fudge sauces

11. root beer fudge-it was bubbly and just fun! and the man in the booth was flirtingly cute

12. cayenne pepper fudge yes the cute man let us try soooo many flavors of fudge

13. fudge with gold flakes--I ate gold!!!1

14. freshly dipped cinnamon bears

15. gluten free brownies---really really good gluten free tends to be a bit nasty but these were so good

16. sipping chocolate--so much richer and creamier than hot chocolate and more flavorful

17. and much much much much much much much more!

I made a couple purchases. I tried some chocolate lip balm. Natalie tried and purchased a chocolate mask facial powder. I fell in love with the mint chocolate lotion. And my favorite from last year. . . Seely Family Farms and their peppermint cocoa butter soaps. I am so happy.

I am meeting Todd (see previous post) today at a park to take advantage of the clear skies and warm temps.

It will be a great day.

Thursday Lunch

Yesterday I met a man for lunch. I got this lovely rose. I suspect it was purchased at a real florist (not the grocery store-like Dan did). It was wrapped in lovely green paper and tied with string. It was completely Portland and recyclable. I kind of chuckled. But the point I am making is that this man made extra effort to give me something special and he obviously put effort into it.

He had me meet him at a cafe I had not been to in downtown Portland. It was a pretty nice place. I was so nervous I could not enjoy the delish food. I settled for soup-which was goodl. While the date was perfect the man was not. I have not had a man make such effort to impress me. From a nice comfortable cafe to the detail in his appearance to acceptance of my moral values.

Most men today do not abstain from sex in anyway. They find women to give them what they want or they watch porn. Needless to say online dating or bar dating (what I have been doing lately) results in men who are looking for hook ups. I don't drink so I am the sober one of my friends and can see these men for the dorks they are. Online I get emails and IM daily from men who want my number to sext to me. They pressure me into coming over to their houses to just snuggle since I explain I don't have sex. They are persistent and plentiful. I just 'click out' of the conversation and move on. So when I found a man who respected my values and beliefs I had to give him a chance.

He is so nice. So caring, sensitive, intuitive, thoughtful. He tries so hard to make me happy. It is all about me. How stinking nice! How wonderful! How is this man not the best thing ever. How come I cannot take advantage of him and keep seeing him rebuilding my self esteem and being emotionally fulfilled. I mean he remembers the names of my friends (you guys) who he has not met. It is like he takes notes at every conversation. It is plain impressive. I am not accustomed to being treated like I matter this much. He actually listens to me.

I am repaying his kindness and extreme efforts by crushing his dreams and hopes. I am an ass.

Message From God

I received an email last night. From Carolee Arkillis (cca_night@hotmail.com). She is Dan's mistress. She said Heavenly Father asked her to deliver a message to me.  The exact email is as follows.

Heavenly Father has asked me to be messenger of the following message....

Ask Heavenly Father if it's his plan for you and Dan to be together...


I know she attends LDS singles activities in Portland (number 1 reason I don't go). I know she goes to church once in a while. I know she fornicates with my ex-husband. I know she has lied to my face. I know she is Dan's mother's friend. I do not have a high opinion of her. But I am pretty sure Mormons believe revelation is received in a certain order, by worthy people. She is not in my line of revelation receivers nor is she worthy. Add that to the fact I am not with Dan.
 
So I am emotional about this. I am angry. I want to send her a message from Satan telling her to rot in Hell. I also want to go off on how she does not in no way receive messages from God for me, and that she was not worthy of such revelation. I also want to mention if she thinks God is talking to her she needs to up her medication or she needs to get an exorcism.
 
I feel silly airing this dirty laundry and will probably delete this post soon but I had to write it out. Writing helps me purge my heart and soul. I need to relax and not retaliate. I need to let it go and let Carolee live her sad little life as a mistress. Thank you for letting my vent!