The Fruit Loop

I have lived in Portland for three years now. I have wanted to do The Fruit Loop for a couple of years now. I first learned about it from a patient of mine. It is a loop starting at Hood River and going up toward Mt Hood and looping back. Hood River is about 40 minutes outside of Portland. 

My friend Janice and I went this year. Our original goal was to stop at 2 of the 33 stops. We did not want to be all day. Well Janice stopped at a few extra places. The first stop was Rasmussen's Fruit and Flower Farm. 

The field of U-Cut Flowers with some colorful leaves in the background. We stopped at a glass blowers studio and watched pro and amateur blow vases, glasses, bowls. I have seen glass blowing before and still amazed at such a skill.

We wanted to stop at Daisy Girls Fruit Stand because they were advertising Hot Apple Cider and Donuts. We arrived and were disappointed that hot apple cider was in a thermos and the donuts looked like yesterdays old donuts. My hope was still alive because they also advertised flavored ciders-apple and pear cider, cherry and apple cider, etc. But alas they only had apple cider when I was there. Disappointed we headed to the next stop. 

Mt View Orchards Inc & Fruit Stands was celebrating Swiss German "Edelweiss Days".

Of course at every stop were several varieties of apples and pears and squash and gords. I saw a bin of Eves Delight apples. They were larger than my hand. I wear a medium latex glove. I could also wear a large if needed. So I have big hands. This apple was so large I could not get my fingers around it.

Eves Delight is the largest apple I have ever seen. It is a tart, crisp apple that would be perfect for baking-well that is my opinion after tasting a slice.

As part of the Edelweiss Days they were having German sausage, potatoes, applesauce, kraut, and struesel. It was pretty good. I admit I ate all the potatoes. The dish was made with apples, potatoes and bacon-no onion and I loved it! Maybe all these years it is the onion I have hated in potato dishes and I really actually do like potatoes. Hmmmm

Our next stop took us to Apple Valley Country Store and Bakery. 

You know you are in the country when you park in the pasture and white lines have been pained on the ground-ha ha ha

I loved this stop. It was one of the last and I think I will do the loop backwards next time I do it. This place rocked. They were cooking apple butter out front and selling fry bread and apple butter. They dough was fried right there while you waited and the apple butter was warm from the 9 hours of reduction cooking.

It was so delicious! 

Inside the bakery were every kind of wonderful fruit pie. The assortment of preserves, syrups, mustards, butters (like apple butter and pumpkin butter), pie filling, bottled fruit, and general yumminess.

I purchased a bottle of apple cider syrup. It was absolutely delicious on my German pancake yesterday! 

I had a wonderful day full of apples, pears, colored leaves, beautiful fields and country air. It was a wonderful day!

Changing and Growing

This is the tree this week. It has changed so much. I wonder how I have changed. 

Seasons of Change

This is a tree on the edge of the parking lot at church. I love how the colors are just turning. Fall is a wonderful time of year. It is harvest time, apple time, pumpkin time, pre-holiday time, and change time.

Change is hard. I dont like it. Yet I grow the most from it. I am thankful for the many changes in my life. I am so blessed and like this beautiful tree I cannot stop the change so I might as well enjoy the experience and be as proud as I can be. 

Infertile by Default

I just read a blog post about infertility (read here)  It was moving and I could feel this woman's pain she has experienced as an LDS woman who did not follow the popular time table. I am a whirlwind of emotion after reading this.

I am unsure if I am infertile. I am 37 years old. I dont have a child. I am purposefully infertile. I realized recently that I did in fact choose not to have a baby. I have lived a celibate lifestyle. I chose and choose to life that life. ME. I am childless because of MY choices.  More accurately I choose not to have extramarital sex therefore as a consequence of that choice I do not get to have my own baby. While I was married for 18 months I did not try to have a baby. I chose that. I will not go into the details of that decision but I know it was the right one.

As a result of my 'temple worthy' life I get to sit in primary and hear teachers, parents, leaders, 'brothers' and 'sisters' tell me how wonderful I am with children and it must be because I dont have to deal with them on a daily basis. I hear how I am lucky to be able to sleep in, how lucky I am to not have to spend $110 on baseball equipment, how lucky I am not to have to talk to my child about porn, how I am a wonderful daughter of God and how I will be blessed with children in the next life. I hear how hard it is to be a unappreciated mother and wife, how difficult homework is, how tough coaxing vegetables into a  young body. I guess I hear the bad. Because what I see is the love and adoration. I see the fun of cupcake making, the fun of playing Candyland, the fun of sheet forts and trick or treating. I see the wonder and magic of Christmas through a child-how wonderful it must be to see it through your own child and not from the sidelines.

As a result of following the commandments I am alone. I cannot blame anyone. It is my choice. I choose not to settle for a man who is not someone I can be happy with for eternity. I choose not to sleep around and have 3 babies from 3 different fathers. I choose to be infertile.

I guess that means purposeful infertility doesnt hurt. Since I choose this I cant be so lonely and sad that I stay home from church on Mother's Day to avoid the comments. I choose to be single and alone so I must not ache to have my own family to cook Thanksgiving dinner for. My heart must not yearn to have family home evenings with more than myself. My mind does not imagine how it would be to teach my child how to bake a pie or read a book.

I dont understand why I get to be alone. But I do know it is because of my choices. I wonder how the Church would react to me getting artificially inseminated. I know the Church does not condone single parent households and I know that sex outside of marriage has disciplinary actions attached but what does medically induced pregnancy mean? I told 2 women in my ward. Both were shocked and horrified that I would think such a thing. So I guess pregnancy is only for certain worthy women??? Or I am not woman enough to be a mother?

I dont know the answers. I dont understand. I know it is my choice. While infertility is painful and sad I am jealous because they have a spouse.

Computer

Meet my new laptop. It is red. It is huge. It smells new. It is a blessing to me.

This is the comparison shot of my new laptop and my mini. Dan left me the mini and he took both of the laptops when he moved out. I have been using it for the last two years. My fingers are used to the small keys and the close spaces and the punctuation marks being in different places. I am struggling typing right this second due to my muscle memory! I need to relearn how to type like an adult with a real laptop. What a wonderful challenge!

I have a CD drive now! I can access my music now! Oh and I have a huge screen and can see so much!

Now truly I was thankful to my mini for getting me through the months and months of being alone. I felt so isolated during and after my divorce. Blogging and internet dating/chatting kept me alive. I am so thankful to that little guy for working so hard and even though I could not even download a music video without delay it kept chugging along. I am so proud of the little guy.

See ya later Mini

Now to the hard part. Where the new laptop came from. This has been the angst my week.

Dan has been in Afghanistan. He called me a month ago asking if he could stay at my apartment while he was on leave in sept/oct. I said no and to stay with his harlot. He said he could not stay with her. I felt bad that he has no one to help him and then I realized I didnt want to help the man. I stuck to my no. Dan arrives in Portland the same week Scott arrived to visit me. Dan stayed away knowing that Scott was in town. Well last Sunday I was leaving for church. I dont have a vehicle and need to take the bus. I leave for church one hour before it starts. Dan knew this. He showed up at my apartment to give me a ride. I would not let him into the apartment knowing Scott would freak out. But I did accept a ride. He took me to church. We sat in the parking lot for about 30 min discussing life. I remember looking at him and thinking-I dont feel any connection or attraction to this man anymore. About that time Dan said to me, 'I feel I owe you something, but dont know what.' In reality Dan owes me a lot. I had let it go and chose to forget. We parted ways without so much as a hug. 

After church I read a text from Dan saying he left me something at the leasing office. I get home and get the gift. It was a brand new laptop. Now Dan had recently told me he was going to see me on his leave and give me one his laptops. This infuriated me. I told him I did not want his hand-me-downs. So that Sunday when I noticed that he bought me a brand new laptop I was a little irked. I called him and asked him to come pick it up that I could not accept such a thing. He said he owed me and started listing the things he owed me for and I was thinking-yup he does owe me. I knew Scott would not like me accepting gifts from my ex. I was in a vortex of confliction. If I kept the laptop I would hurt Scott. If I returned it and got store credit and bought something else that item (most likely a big tv) would be just like the laptop. I would be dumb to destroy a brand new laptop. I need a new laptop. The mini is failing. I realize Heavenly Father blessed me with what I needed to stay in touch with friends and family, so I thanked Him and opened the box.

I am so thankful that I saw Dan it was like a switch was flipped. I am me again. I am happy. Truly deeply happy inside. I am calm. I am level headed. I suddenly dont think of mean emails to send Dan. I dont add the money he owes me. I dont revisit the hurt. It is done. Dan asked me to come back. I said no. I cannot believe it. I am done. Today I noticed the music playing on the radio at the sandwich shop and at work AND I enjoyed it deep down in my soul. I remember the moment music was killed. I remember the moment my muchness was killed. I am grateful to this laptop. I am grateful for the happiness of this hard moment we call life! 

Epiphany

I had closure this weekend. Dan showed up. We talked. I moved on.

I immediately noticed a change in myself. I was happier, lighter, and freer than I had been in a long time. Today the thing that made me happiest was sitting in Jimmy Johns on my lunch break and hearing an old Green Day song on the radio. While an old song is nothing to write about, the soul soothing, toe tingling, heart leaping, finger tapping, lip moving is. It has been quite a long time since music touched me like that. I have ached for it and tried to recapture it, and today I caught it! I am so thrilled.

As a tribute to my 'apostrophe' I would like to dedicate this song . . . . I still cannot listen to it without crying. It truly is me singing about Dan.

I Cut Scott's Junior Off

Scott had a fibroma on his cheek. It started off small and a place he bit his cheek. Well through the years he was stressed and bit the same place on his cheek over and over and over creating a large fibroma. Scott lovingly named him Junior. Well Junior was large enough to be into Scott's occlusion. It needed to be removed. 

I had the honor of cutting it off  last week. I got him numb and took a blade and started cutting it. I was so scared. I started cutting and it was tough and I needed to 'saw' it. I realized I should not have to and went deeper into the cheek where the blade slid right through the tissues. It was wonderful. Scott was holding a surgical suction tip so it would not go down his throat. I did not have an assistant available because I was doing this surgery after hours in the office. I am pretty sure I am not licensed to do this. 

Scott wanted to cut it open to see what was inside-cartilage or fibrous tissue. I was amazed it did not bleed that much.

Junior was a surprising 1 inch big. I am really disappointed that I did not get a 'before' picture. sigh.

It will likely be the largest fibroma I will ever see. 

Scott has healed completely.  In 24 hours the wound in his cheek had shrunk to a sewing pin-head size. I am amazed at the healing abilities of the human mouth. I am even more impressed with my surgical skills! Scott hardly has a bump where I cut Junior off.

I was scared to cut into Scott-now that it is over I feel awesome! What a high! 

Scott is a Blessing to me.

Scott spoiled me so much during the week he was here. He took me to dinner every day-except Sunday where we cooked together at home. He drove me to work every day, came back for lunch, and picked me up after work. He bought me trinkets everywhere we went. 

He had flowers delivered at work! He thought of little details to ensure my happiness.

Thursday after work Scott and I flew to SLC. We met with my siblings and friend Andrea for dinner on Friday night. It was wonderful being with my family! I love them so much. 

Saturday Scott and I went to General Conference. It was amazing. It was my first time going to Conference. I have been in the conference center before and I am still amazed at the size of the building. It holds 21,000 people. It was completely packed! Filling and emptying a building that large is a process! I am again impressed with the efficiency of the LDS church. There is such a simple order of how things are done and organized. I love it. I also love how when President Monson entered the room it got completely silent. I doubt President Obama has that kind of power-to silence 21,000 people. 

I was so happy sitting there with Scott. He is a good man. A man I am proud of. 

I have been back in Portland for about 5 hours and my heart aches because he is not with me.

It was a beautiful day in SLC. I was trying to take a pic of us at the top of the Conference Center and a young woman stopped to help us out.

As I said I have been home for about 5 hours and I am missing Scott something fierce. I walked into my apartment and found it speckled with sticky notes.The ones on the couch say--my spot and your spot. They were everywhere, the door, the cupboard, the mirror, the thermostat, the fridge etc. Scott had written sweet things like-you have my heart, I miss you, etc. It made me sob when I saw them. I am not taking them down until my homesick heart feels better! 

I am so blessed to have Scott in my life.

On a personal side note-Dan is on leave and is here in Portland. He has tried to call me and text me and email me. He wants to give me his old computer. I admit my mini is dying and I need to get a new computer. But I am not taking the one from Dan. He should have given it to me last year. It has been sitting unused for a year. 

Now he wants to give it to me-now he wants to see me-now he wants to try again-now he isn't my life-now he isn't my joy-

Columbia Gorge and Oregon Coast

After our great day of eating Scott and I went through the Columbia River Gorge.

This is the view of Washington from the Vista House. It was a cloudy yet dry day.

Scott and I went on a small hike to Bridal Veil Falls. We had to stop to observe and help this large banana slug. 

The trees are very large and old in Oregon

I have lived in Oregon for 3 years and I guess that makes me a tree hugger. . . 

Scott was such a champ going with me to all the great waterfalls and looking at leaves and nature. He even took this pic of us at the waterfall.

I had to catch Scott coming out of the bathroom ha ha ha

So he caught me. yikes!

Monday we went to Astoria, Oregon. Home of the Goonies movie set.

Here is the house. . . We also saw the football field. It was pretty cool.

This is the amazing bridge spanning the Columbia River and joining Oregon to Wahsington. This is also where the river meets the ocean. 

This is the Astoria column. It was decorated with great drawings and was a beautiful tall column. As you can tell it was cloudy, rainy, windy, and cold.

The view from the ground up into the column-164 stairs. I was huffing and had to stop frequently.

It was so worth it once we got to the top. The wind was so strong and cold up there were instantly had rosey cheeks and my hair was out of control! There were gusts that took my breath away. The view was beautiful and worth climbing up.

A close up of the column. It was so much more impressive in person!

We drove down Highway 101 to the town of Cannon Beach so we could take pictures of Haystack rock-the rocks in the Goonies movie.

We stopped at Doogers for lunch.My sister Lori had send me a letter with $ in it for Scott and I to have a romantic day at the beach. The day we were able to go was cold and rainy and windy. So we did not get to stroll on the beach hand-in-hand but we did have a great lunch full of sea food-halibut, cod, salmon, calamari, oysters. It started off with amazing clam chowder. I even liked it-which I usually dont. I had yummy clam strips. It was a wonderful lunch-thank you Lori

The sea was choppy and frothy! Scott pulled over to let me take a picture. He pulled so close to the cliff I panicked. It was so scared. We were in a rental car (Toyota Prius) and I swear my tire was inches away from the cliff. Scott says we were feet away from the edge. My heart did not believe him and pounded away. I took the picture with the electric/telephone wire in the way because I was too worried about dying in the rain!

We  had a great 2 days in the Gorge and the Coast! I am so blessed Scott is in my life!