A Wonderful Weekend

I got home from my weekend in Utah for Memorial Day on Monday night. Dan offered to pick me up from the airport. I agreed. I was taking advantage of his kindness. But behold he was being sneaky....big surprise. He ended up taking me to see Robin Hood. I enjoyed Russel Crowe and the movie. Sometimes I liked the music and sometimes I didn't. So there you go...

Tuesday night Dan showed up at my door with flowers. We ran to get a burger and came back to the apartment to talk. He wanted to get back together with me. I was dying. I had been begging him for months to get back with me and here he was two days before signing our divorce papers asking me to come back. He proceeded to list all the things I needed to change. I asked what he thought he needed to change. And all I got was him trying to get some action. I started not feeling well.  I realized right then and there that I was so lucky that Dan left me. I am happier without him. It kind of hurts my heart to say that. This past month I have found my happy Mair....my muchness....me....myself. I told Dan I did not want to try again and went into the bathroom and did not come out til Thursday. Dan texted mean hurtful things. I thought it was odd that Dan and I switched places. I know he was hurt. I feel bad I hurt him. I feel bad our marriage failed. But most of all I felt bad I ate that burger. I got way sick. Wednesday i had to call in sick. I have never called in sick as a hygienist before. It was hard. But I was so sick. I wanted to die. I smelled like I did.

Wednesday Dan came over. He brought me crackers and Gatorade. He cleaned up my garbage can full of puke and the bowl of puke. He then tried to get in my pants more than a few times. I kept pushing him away. I was irritated. I told him I was not going to be with him. I told him I was sick. I was not in the mood to fight. I just wanted to lay down and die. He finally left.

Thursday is early work day. I got there at 6:30 am. I worked til noon. Dr M had to get come calc I missed on the lower anterior, I took one bitewing backwards, and I was slow. But I made it. I finished all my patients and was still standing. I was still weak and visited the bathroom. I got off work and went home. Got in my truck and left to go to the airport. I picked Josh up and went to the courthouse. The whole day Dan had been texting me. I thought he had forgotten Josh was coming but Dan was just playing games. He finally came out and asked if I was bringing Josh to the courthouse. I was not going to. I did not. Josh was a champ and completely understanding and wonderful. He had me drop him off at a motor sports store and i went to the courthouse. I was there for a total of 39 minutes. I visited two different bathrooms. I am now wondering if my stomach issues are from that dang burger or from my nerves. We get our signatures notarized and we filed the paper in such a short time that I was shocked. It was so easy it was hard. Dan just walked away from me as we exited the courthouse. No goodbye. No thanks. Nothing. I started to cry and I cried for about 20 minutes. I picked up Josh and put it behind me. Josh tried to hard to comfort me and to help me know he understood how hard filing even a crappy marriage is hard.

We went to my apartment. I freshened up a bit and we went to see Prince of Persia. It was exactly what I wanted. . . .to make out in the dark with someone who cared about me. Please don't think I am a flousy. I am not taking Josh forgranted. I am not being reckless with his heart. I am trying to be careful. But I also sure enjoyed pure make-out.

Friday I my stomach was still a bit grumbly so we hung out at the mall for a while before I needed a nap. Josh was a champ dealing with my sickness.

Saturday we went downtown to enjoy the Rose Festival carnival and Saturday Market. We had a blast. The sun was shining. The navy ships were in the river and looked huge and amazing. It was great. Then we went to Kym's (co-worker) house for dinner.

Sunday after I had gone to church I took Josh to the Columbia River Gorge. We wend down the Historic Highway. This highway starts at the Vista House...see picture at the end. My Internet and blogger are fighting me and I am loosing ha ha ha

Anyway we enjoyed the several waterfalls and lush green forest of the highway-even in the rain.Monday we went to the coast. We started in Seaside-my favorite. As we were walking on the beach I saw something in the water. As we got closer we realized it was a seal or sea lion....not sure the difference. He/She came on shore for some sun. He did not look injured. He did not care that we got this close. Although I went to touch him and he growled at me. He let me know I had entered his personal space. We respected that and moved on. But how cool was it to see? I loved it!

The self portraits are my favorite. I had a wonderful weekend.

Tuesday I had to go to work. Josh came downtown to my office to have lunch with me. He braved the Max Light Rail and a big unknown city. He totally faced the unfamiliar just for me. After work I took him to the airport.It was quite sad. I was ready for my apartment back-my space. But I sure did enjoy the company. I could get used to having someone in my life. Ok I could have Josh in my life. He showed me a different universe from Dan. He respected me and my standards. He was amazingly kind. I felt so loved and worshiped from him. He knows I am scared and was very careful not to say too much. I know he wanted to say more than "You're Damn Lucky" (The three words he told me-lol). I am hesitant to open myself.

Josh told me he had dreamt about me before we reconnected in April. I am not sure what that means. All I know is that Josh makes me feel amazing. I could get used to feeling that way everyday. I know I am angry because I have not been able to find love. Am I that repulsive? Hard to live with? Annoying? I am tired of being alone. All my adult life has been alone. I want to settle down. I am dreading dating. Ugh just the thought makes me cringe. What will my future hold? I am not sure. But I know this. I am wonderful and I deserve to be treated better than I was. I am damaged but I am healing. I want to be married again. I want to be with someone who is honest and true and loyal to me. Might have to get a dog to get that lol. Anyway it was a great weekend and I was sad to let him go back home.

A Good Thing

This is the cheesiest picture ever. My sister Jo Ann (On the left) painted my nails so they would be pretty when Josh saw me for the first time in 5 years.

This is not an after picture of my hair but it is what I have. We were waiting for it to soak into my hair.

My niece Shay wanted to know who Josh was. I had pictures on my phone. She quickly figured out how to use the touch screen and navigate through all my pictures. She did this for about an hour. It kept her pretty entertained.

After church I came home and my brother Daniel was there sitting in the favorite recliner with my mom's snuggie. Jenni (see above pic-she is on the right) made it for my mom for Christmas. I thought it was so funny I jumped into the recliner with him. I was laughing so hard that my fat butt fit in the chair with him!

(Notice the highlights in my hair) Josh was able to come on Friday night. He was a trooper. He hung out with my family. He helped me do the dishes -by hand. He talked forever with my father. He was patient and kind and careful.

On Sunday I decided suddenly that I had been a selfish brat. I had been making Josh jump through all these hoops and I was giving nothing. I told Josh this and said let's go see your parents. So we drove to Ephraim and visited his family for about an hour. Josh used to live in Delta. He lived through the field of me. His father (Cal) and my father are buds. Even years later Cal and my dad still get together and even email. So the visit to his parent's house was only minorly unsettling. As we were leaving Josh's mom starts saying how happy she is that we are together and I start freaking out. I said we are not together. She kept going on. I said Denise stop talking. She did not stop. She was trying to tell me how happy she was that I had made her son so happy and that I was a good woman. I know she was excited to have her son 'dating' a good woman but I did not want to even think about dating Josh yet. I am still technically married and my heart is really tender. I left the Nay family's house feeling bad that I had been so rude to Denise. She assured me that I was a Jones and therefore family.

My father did his share of grilling me. His first question when we were alone was....What is the deal with Josh. I told my dad I did not know. I said Josh wants me to give him a chance but that my heart was hurt and raw and sad. My dad understands-having been divorced himself. My dad told me to take it slow and take my time and see if Josh can take me to the temple.

All in all my family loves Josh and his family loves me. We had a great weekend visiting cemeteries and decorating graves with my grandmother. It was surprisingly fun. I am glad my sisters and nephew encouraged me to be brave and let Josh come for the whole weekend. It was a good thing.

S & J Salon

I would like to introduce Jenni Jones. My wonderful sister-in-law. She is amazing.

She is a wonderful CNA. Her skills are amazing. She has a secret love....Hair. She would love to go back and learn another skill.

She is simply talented. I let her put highlights in my hair. It was out of a box and looked pretty amazing. She really did a great job. I do not have an 'after' picture.

The story I wanted to tell you starts with Josh. Josh lives in St George Utah. I was going to Delta Utah for Memorial Day. Josh wanted to come see me. I was hesitant. Although I had received so much strength and help from Josh. He helped my heart heal after Dan. He truly did.

I was a selfish girl. I told Josh he could come to Delta on Sunday only. Not only could he only come on

Sunday but I would be going to all 3 hours of church and if he wanted to spend time with me he could come. Then I said I would be having Sunday dinner with my family and I would be cleaning up and I would be playing games with my siblings. He could hang out with my family if he wanted. I would not guarantee any alone time with him. He agreed to the deal.

The closer it came to Memorial Day the more I wondered about Josh and wondered what it would be like to go on a date with him. I proceeded to tell him he could come on Saturday night (after he had worked all day in Mt Green-and drive to Delta) and take me to a movie.

I was a selfish stinker.

SOOOOO

I am sitting in the S&J Salon (Susan and Jenni Salon-my mom-Susan is a licensed hair professional and did cut my hair before Jenni colored it). Ok I am sitting in the S&J Salon Friday night when Josh texted me and said he just got a call from his job in Mt Green and they said they did not need him to come to work on Saturday. He had packed his truck and was ready to leave St George as soon as he was off work in St George with the plan to stay with his parents in Ephraim, work Sat and then come to Delta to see me. I was faced with the delima. I asked my sisters if I should invite Josh to come up Friday night and hang out all weekend with me and my family or should I make him stick to the original plan. I was scared. My heart is tender. I had not officially signed divorce papers. How could I even entertain thoughts of another man? How could I let him come up and visit me? How could I? Was I destined to be on Jerry Springer? I posed my fears to my sisters and they encouraged me to invite him. My nephew even said...'quit being a sissy pants' So I was brave. . . braver than I expected and I invited Josh to come on Friday night.

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Here is sweet AJ. I am really looking forward to meeting him in 6 days!!!

This wonderful little rose was blooming at the Portland LDS temple. I could not resist capturing the rain drops. It was so beautiful to me....could have been my after session peaceful feeling but I really do think it is a lovely flower.  Portland is the city of roses. They are everywhere. There are hundreds of varieties. Shapes colors and smells. I love the rose garden...a park full of thousands of roses for the public to tour. Next week starts the two week rose festival. I am excited it is pretty fun. Last year I watched the light parade from the cozy comfort of my dental office. It is a perfect way to avoid the crowds on the street..

What a week it has been. I was mentally prepared to sign papers to end my marriage. It is harder than I ever thought. Dan was having a hard time also. It made me ask....do you want to give it another try? Luckily Dan did not answer. So I did. I said no. I think without the things I have learned the last few weeks I would have begged him to come back. Why do I want some bad love over no love? It is kind of disturbing to me. I have always liked being alone. And I still do. Right now I am watching what I want on tv wearing what I want eating dinner...what I want (luckily tonight is salad with chicken--no more cocoa puffs with marshmallows ha ha ha). I am doing what I want but I am lonely. I am aching today. It has been a hard one today for some reason.

It started last night as I fell asleep I had a bad dream. It was about being trapped in an earthquake and the terror and the feeling of motion scared me awake...I might have screamed. Anyway, it scared me. I was ready for 'fight or flight'. My muscles had access to adrenaline and sugar. It took some time to calm down but I did. I wished I had someone to snuggle with and comfort and keep me safe. I repeated this sequence three times last night. It was horrible. Not only did I dream of scary earthquakes, floods and being stuck on a bridge with a semi truck blaring down ready to hit me but I dreamt of having a 3-some. It is not the first time I have but dang....I need to get those thoughts under control and wrapped back up and buried deep inside me.

The combination of these dreams caused me to be extra lonely today. I tried to go shopping for some retail therapy. I needed some new bras. I shop at the fat girl store because that is what size I am. I love me. I am happy with myself but I know what size I am and I have to get that size at a specific place. I am shopping and see some cute bra styles. I try one on and alas....not a good fit. I knew this because my current bras are not fitting as they should. I am so upset and traumatized that I have to now special order my bras. It is really bothering me. I know I am a big woman. But now I am an enormous woman. Sigh.

Friends, many of you know how much I love music. I really do love music and I have lost that since moving to Portland. Josh has relit this fire in me. I am discovering music I already had and new stuff-even country.
The sweetest thing that Josh does is give me songs to listen to. He communicates with song. I tried to with Dan but it did not work. Josh is very careful giving me songs to listen to. I admit some of them have freaked me out. I am technically married. I am not sure I am ready to get into another relationship (even though I am lonely).  I want to share how sweet and wonderful and kind and careful Josh is with me. Some of the songs he had me listen to were....Heaven (Little by Little) by Theory of a Deadman, Thing for You by Hinder, Yours to Hold by Skillet. Take Me There by Rascal Flats (Jami I am just beginning to understand your love of these boys. They are truly amazing!!!! ) There are  quite a few more country songs but I am shy and they mean a lot to me and my tender heart. Am I being wooed with song? Yes. Am I happy about it? Yes. Is Josh why Dan feels neglected? YES! Am I in over my head? Yes. Am I going to enjoy this ride? Yes!

My Happy List

I have reconnected with my friend Josh. He has been my brothers friend for over 20 years. Josh showed up in Cedar City when my brother Dave lived there, then several years later I attend Pharmacy Technician class and who walks in...Josh. He was married and lived in St George. We finished class. I started working at Albertsons Pharmacy. I worked there about 2 years and Josh came in and we needed a tech so he was hired. Josh had moved to Cedar. We worked together for a while. I cant really remember how long but it was fun. We worked hard and had a good time. He was part of what I call the 'Glory Days' of my pharmacy career. I love those days. We were understaffed doing hundreds and hundreds of scripts daily. We barely took time to use the bathroom and eat. Oh how we worked hard. But we also had so much fun. It was the laughter every day....most days. There was a lot of chocolate involved but it was wonderful.

I moved to Ogden for school and Josh might have moved to Nevada. Anyway, I lived the good life at WSU for 2 years and went back to Cedar. Albertsons hired me. I started the Monday after graduation. I am working and loving being back, seeing my old patients and friends. I was the only tech working one Saturday when a computer issue came up. I did not know how to solve it. I tried and tried. I decided to call a tech at one of the St George stores. I called them and Josh answers...We had no idea where the other person was and here we were catching up on life.

I then spend 3 wonderful years working for Cedar Dental Center and occasionally Albertsons. I then moved to Portland and two weeks after being here Josh called me. We chatted and talked about life. He was recently divorced. He was living in St George working for Albertsons again. I tell him I was married and happy. He was so happy for me. As he hung up it hit me like a brick....Josh was calling to ask me out. Well I lived my life. I have had some of the darkest days of my life. I have cried and cried. I have overcome worthless feelings and despair. I am still fighting my self esteem but at least I know I am worth something. The day before my birthday I was working. As I was cleaning a mouth I had the though to text Josh. After dismissing my patient I did.

I know I was supposed to text him. He has listened to me and given me strength to deal with this icky part of my life. He swears I am a blessing sent to him to help him through some parts of his life. So whatever it is, whatever our connection and why we keep crossing paths all I know is that he is the reason I am happy today. Speaking of happy....I asked him to list 20 things that make him happy. He had me do the same. We shared our lists yesterday. Mine is as follows.
1.mornings
2. my family
3. music. Music is a wonderful communicator. I even love the hymns.
4. church. My testimony makes me happy
5. food
6. fresh cut alfalfa
7. sound of waterfalls
8. snuggling
9. clean house
10. watching a movie-escaping reality with a good movie
11.going on a walk-nature is wonderful
12. eating veggies and fruits-I feel so much better when I eat right even though fries are yummy
13. chocolate
14. work-as much as I hate housework I love how I feel after-so much accomplishment
15. reading
16.treating my patients
17. journal-I love writing. getting my thoughts out and onto paper
18. Oregon coast-the ocean
19. crocheting and knitting and sewing...making something out of nothing
20. diet coke w/lime or DDP (diet dr pepper) or diet pepsi

So that is my silly list that truly makes me happy. I get done sharing the list and Josh starts chuckling. He said do you know your list does not have one materialistic thing. I was shocked. I did not realize it but it is true. I did not put my truck or a nice house or a 4-wheeler. Those things never occurred to me. So I learned something about myself. I do not think stuff makes you happy it is experiences and people and God and nature and chocolate and DDP that make me content to live this wonderful life. I am so thankful for my friendship with Josh and with you!!!! Each of your readers give me strength to keep waking up and moving and working and trying to be my best.

I had to put AJ in here just because he is so cute

Private Again

About 2 weeks ago I took my blog off private status. It was so wonderful to put myself out there. Dan is the only one I do not want reading this blog. Well at least until everything is said and done. I learned last night that he had been trying to find my facebook page but could not....I played dumb but in all honesty I blocked him. I then decided to privatize this blog again just in case he looks at it. I do not believe he will but....

Monday May 17 we have an appointment with the courthouse to get our paperwork looked at and filed. Pretty easy. Pretty hard.

Bragging Rights

I took this picture in honor of cinco de mayo. I wore pigtails to make me feel younger and I did. I felt like I was 12 years old. I had to share my moment of denial that I am actually middle aged. Maybe I am having a mid-life crisis. Or maybe I am just sexy in pigtails! Only I know the truth lolI finally have someone else to showcase on my blog. This is my nephew AJ. I have not met him yet but will soon. He is the third child of my sister Lori. He does not do any cool tricks or sit on special paint can stools but he does poop and cry.