'One of these things is not like the other'

So my bubble has been popped. I am not happy about it. In fact I am quite upset. I do not know what to do. Is being a dental hygienist what I really want to do? I am not sure. After today, I have hit the big purple W. I do not think I can pick myself up and move on. I don't even know if I want to.

For 2 years I have changed a lot of the things about me that make me me. I have modified my speech. I have had to purchase clothing because I have been told that I would look a certain way. I grew my hair then cut my hair according to their specifications. I have studied and learned a lot of things. For the most part I think that I am a more educated person because I went to dental hygiene school. But, I am sick to death of being observed, critqued, evaluated, and juged. I am tired of trying to be something I am not.

I can be a good hygienist no matter what clothes I wear or how my eyebrows are arched. I can be professional in my speech by being honest with my patient not by using erythemous instead of red. I can promote good oral health even though I am not a size 6. I can bring happiness to my patients with a genuine smile that is not bleached.

In short I think I am a great person and I really miss me. I want Mair to come back. I can honestly say that I tried to be like those around me. What I discovered is that I do not like myself. I used to, but right now I am lacking in integrity, honesty and tolerance. I hope I can make it through the next 60 days. I know I am so close, but I really want to give up now. I am just so tired.

I hope I find me....

'Hate me today'

The time has come for a new post. I am not too sure how to put this...WSU DH class of 2006 is struggling. I have felt and heard things that make me wonder what happened to our once cohesive group. Are we stressed out? Are we so competitive that secretly we want our classmates to fail? Are our personalities so different that we just do not give a rats ass? I am not really sure. I know from my own point of view, that I have been very selfish.

I want to apoligize to everyone. Honestly, I care about each one of you. I want you all to be the best you can be. I have always had a drive to be the best and being in the program has made be realize that I am not. I fail. I am grateful for my shortcomings because they have been brought to my attention and I am working on them. I am grateful for everyone's influence on my career as a dental hygienist! Each one of you has helped me realize what I need to do to be the best. My wish is that we can enjoy the last 8 weeks of our time together before we spread our wings and soar in our individual lives. I am pretty sure I will miss the freindship and interaction I have had with every single one of you! My goal for the next 70 days until graduation is to help everyone I can. I want to find as many board patients as I can so I can help my fellow 2006ers succeed! I want to share patients, clean rooms, and study for boards with anyone who wants my help. I am serious about the studying thing. Ask me and we can work out a time to study! I don't want to gossip about those people on the watch list, just so I can pride myself for not being on the list....which you should all know I was on and did extra VA sessions. I don't want to see any of you fail the boards! I don't want to see feelings hurt! My dream is that we all will suck it up (me included), and treat others as we would like to be treated!

'Gotta let it burn'

Me and my big mouth have offended yet again! This time I will not apologize. In class today we had a panel of volunteer (I am assuming) dental hygienists. One was in my face with excitement about the profession. She kept telling us how to become more productive for dentists and how to use this info to negotiate a greater wage. She was enthusiastic and very optimistic about being a good dental hygienist. Another hygiensit works one day a week; the end. The last hygienist had a few things to say but not so much. At the end of the 2 hour lecture/Q&A, I asked them if they were members of ADHA (American Dental Hygienists Association). None of them were...and they were all WSU graduates! Honestly I was shocked. I assumed the 'one day a week worker the end' and the other mute would not be members, but the go-get-um girl really surprised me. She was lecturing me for about 2 hours trying to convince me that I am a valued health professional and that if I valued my services then my patients would also. She tried to hit it home that I should value my profession. What a hypocrite! She is not even a member of my professional organization. I am disappointed in her, to the point that all her value teaching is just 'shit under the gums'!

I know some of my fellow classmates were offended by me also...here is a warning to you....if in 7 years you are not a member of ADHA, even if you are not working, I will give you the same crap I gave them today (maybe more)!

Another warning...If you work for a proprietary school (ie. UCDH) I will no longer acknowledge your existence.
Since you all value my opinion (ha ha), I know each of you will take note and become the best professional dental hygienist in the world! Then I will be bragging to everyone that I knew you when....

'She'll be Coming Around the Mountain'

What a day! After a few hours of insomnia I got up at 4:15 AM. I needed to leave Ogden at 5:30 am so I could be at the bus stop so I could go to the State Capital. This was my first time going to the Capital and I misjudged the timing. We ended up arriving 45 minutes early. It was alright though because we got a lot of inside help. Lobby Day was amazing! It is intimidating to be in the Senate and House. We received a quick tour and breif explaination. Candice Norris was amazing! I learned more about politics. WSU faculty represented! I am so proud of WSU! We really know how to make a prescence-poor UCDH, they were envious!

All day I felt like I was being watched like a hawk by that business! After Lobby Day I had table clinics. Brent Molan walked around and wrote the subjects/titles of all of our table clinics. I am not sure but I think that WSU dominated the dental hygiene table clinics! Again I am so proud of the purple! Students from UCDH came around-man there were a ton of them-and I felt like they were trying to copy us. I should be flattered but the evil twin in me wants to shout--'You will never measure up to WSU!'

Natalie and I got a ride home tonight with UTA. It was such an adventure. In one ride we almost ran over a Jeep, got the doors stuck on a pole, ran over a curb,and listened to the driver whistling 'She'll be Coming Around the Mountain'! It was such a blast! We tried to study but it did not work. I was just so tired that I could not think straight! I am so glad I am home and my feet are up!

'I just want to flirt'

I just got back from hanging out at a dental convention. I must say it was a pretty interesting day. It started with a 45 minute wait for my name badge...surely this could have been avoided!!! Then I volunteered at the Crest booth. Me and my homies gave out samples of toothpaste and mouth rinse until I thought my arms were going to fall off, and I did not have the hard job! I was glad to be finished with my shift! An early lunch was in order. Heidi got a Diet Pepsi and was disgusted so I traded my Diet Coke for the preferred Diet Pepsi! It was just what I needed! After a little food we walked back to the Salt Palace-which was hard because my feet hurt-dang the cute shoes!

It was time to go check out the vendors! It was alright but not very exciting! I did not get any samples-sad! I have been sold on Orascoptic loupes but alas my pocket book is not-sigh. After walking around for a while I went to the Weber State University table, which was next to the hated UCDH school in Provo. It was hard for me to be so near them and behave. I still have germs from a hug a person who went awol from WSU just to teach at this business-ugh-gave me.

I attended part of a class regarding ergonomics. It was really interesting. Physical therapists know their stuff. It was a good reminder how to stretch. I think I could use this course every year.

We finally left the Salt Palace after more running around getting SADHA stuff taken care of. Melissa, Heidi, Korbin, Natalie and I decided to get a bite to eat. I wanted breakfast but everyone else wanted Famous Daves (BBQ). Luckily I let them win! My girls called their husbands and only Landon (Nat's hubbie) was able to come--we missed you Matt, Jeremy and Terry! We had the BEST waiter at Famous Dave's! It was such a refresher after last week and the horrible monster at Z Tejas. Justin was so fun to flirt with. So to make this long blog longer...I ended up leaving my number on the receipt. Maybe he will call, maybe he won't but it sure was fun! I wish all guys were fun..not freaks like Dr. Johnson (I am totally upset for you Maria!).

'Hate Me'

Today after participating in a sealant clinic at WSU, I checked my voice mails. I had this message from a dear friend. He was asking me who sings this song and then he played it. I loved the song just from the couple seconds I heard it on my voice mail. I did not know who it was because I am not up on the new songs. Anyway I googled the lyrics and discovered that Blue October sings it. Their cd will be out in March...I predict a future purchase. I am listening to this song right now. I love it. Thank you so much Brady for sharing such great music. Thank you Power 91 for playing such great music!!

I had a hard day today. I was easily irritated. I know I offended some people and then there were a few people who were just so kind and patient with me! I am so not worthy! Anyway I need a girls night out. A little dinner, a lot of conversation, a diet coke, and some chocolate will set me right again! Until then I will try to retract my claws;-)

'...Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash."

I got a break today! Finally, I had time to get some busy stuff done. So now my eyebrows look like a normal person, my windshield wipers-while one is still broken I am closer to getting it fixed, and I purchased a few new pairs of scrubs! I also filed my taxes online. I went to the IRS webpage and there was a link for free efiling for people who earned less that 50,000. I qualified for this! When I got my W-2 form I almost died! I knew I was poor but until I saw the sad pittance I earned last year I did not realize how poor I was. I have not earned this amount for about 10 years! It was a shock to me. Anyway--I highly recommend doing your taxes this way. I am getting a fat refund which will help me recoup from paying for 4 board exams! It has been a great day for me to just get stuff done. Now if someone will come and do my dishes that would be great!

PS. 92 days until graduation!