So my bubble has been popped. I am not happy about it. In fact I am quite upset. I do not know what to do. Is being a dental hygienist what I really want to do? I am not sure. After today, I have hit the big purple W. I do not think I can pick myself up and move on. I don't even know if I want to.
For 2 years I have changed a lot of the things about me that make me me. I have modified my speech. I have had to purchase clothing because I have been told that I would look a certain way. I grew my hair then cut my hair according to their specifications. I have studied and learned a lot of things. For the most part I think that I am a more educated person because I went to dental hygiene school. But, I am sick to death of being observed, critqued, evaluated, and juged. I am tired of trying to be something I am not.
I can be a good hygienist no matter what clothes I wear or how my eyebrows are arched. I can be professional in my speech by being honest with my patient not by using erythemous instead of red. I can promote good oral health even though I am not a size 6. I can bring happiness to my patients with a genuine smile that is not bleached.
In short I think I am a great person and I really miss me. I want Mair to come back. I can honestly say that I tried to be like those around me. What I discovered is that I do not like myself. I used to, but right now I am lacking in integrity, honesty and tolerance. I hope I can make it through the next 60 days. I know I am so close, but I really want to give up now. I am just so tired.
I hope I find me....
4 comments:
I love you Mair! Always will! :-)
Hey! These are al normal feelings! I promise! I can relate more than you will ever know! Just know i have always thought so fondly of you! You are amazing!!
Who is telling you that you are not great?! You are so awesome. I couldn't keep my hands off you at the VA; I needed a hug so bad I didn't care if you were a biohazard. Seriously, none of us will ever fit in. I don't even know what the "in" is that we're trying to fit into. It sounds trite, but just be yourself. Cuz I won't like you anymore if you are a poser.
What the holy fudge?!! I didn't know you were feeling like this!! You should try speaking up in study group, communicating with buddies makes everything better. That, and a big juicy burger from Gridelli's. Serioulsly girl, who is telling you these things? Cuz I am totallly going to open a can of whoop ass on them!!!
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