Friends, I need some enlightenment. As you know last year I purchased a new Toyota Tundra truck. It was a very selfish thing to do. I had been drooling over it for several months. I knew my life was going to change. In January 2008 I had the distinct prompting that I had better get my selfishness out because life was going to change and I would not be able to. I was impressed that I would be married. I scoffed at the idea and wrote in my journal that I was going to have to take care of my parents. Anyway the months went on and several things reminded me of that Divine communication. So I bought the truck. One of the first things Dan said about the truck was that he hated high vehicle payments. Of course my new truck has a high payment but I was single making decent money and had no rent due to great landlords who graciously used me as a baby sitter in trade. Dan has wanted me to sell my truck. I have had it on Craigslist but have not sold it. I do not want to part with it. It is me. It is the last thing I have of my life in Utah. Of my life as a single woman. Of my life as Mary Ann JONES. I have been able to make enough money to be able to afford my truck. Dan has let up on it for now.
The question I have is....What does it mean if I sell it? Many friends have asked if I still have my truck. It is one of the top 3 questions asked. It is even asked before 'Are you pregnant'. So I am wondering. If I sell my truck is it because I have let Dan control me? Does it say I have no identity? Does it say I am giving up my identity? Am I selling out? Why is keeping my truck so important to everyone? Is it because everyone knows I have given up a lot for Dan and this one thing is just too much? (Dan does not think I have sacrificed anything for our marriage since I have not sold a possession)
I need you to be frank and candid. I need the bluntness. I am struggling with being married. I was single for a LONG time. I do not have the proper perspective. Please give me advice and tell me what I am missing. The more honest you are the better. I will still love you and value your opinion!
15 comments:
Did you get my post card? Well it's not actually MY postcard, but still I forwarded it :) It made me smile to see you so happy with your truck. I know you LOVE that truck and it meant a lot to you when you got it, so obviously since you love it so much and it makes you happy, I'd want you to keep it! High car payments aren't ALL that bad either...when you want to buy a house someday the installment payments help build up your credit score. That's how Joe finally talked me into getting a car with a loan. I say if it's not selling on craigslist anyway and you can still afford it, why sell it for nothing...keep it!
My answer is in you email.
This post is the story of my life. I, too, was single for sooo long but I had to part with my adorable beetle after Duane and I got married. I will tell you now that if you let go of material things that you think define you now you will save yourself a lot of trials and "lessons" later. BELIEVE ME. After all, it's just a truck and you are YOU no matter what you drive.
I think as a wives and mothers we sacrifice almost everything for others. If we give everything up it leads to resentment later on down the road. I think it is important to keep a piece of ourselves. No matter what that may be. Even if it is a material thing, you have an emotional attachment to it, it reminds you of something good.
My husband wants me to become an American Citizen. I want to stay Canadian. It is a part of who I am, something I am not sure I am willing to give up. It is something that defines me other then wife and mother.
Keep the truck. At least until you feel comfortable enough to let it go. Right now you aren't ready and if you let it go you would harbor resentment because you had to give it up on somebody elses terms.
Hmmmm. I guess the question is Can you still afford it? It sounds like you are still working alot, and if you can still easily make the payments, then yes, you should keep it. If you guys are struggling financially, then the obvious answer is to sell it. I'm really the wrong person to ask when it comes to someone "controlling me". I do NOT let men tell me what to do!! Especially when it comes to something big like that. If you are bringing home the bacon, or at least half of it, then keep the damn truck and tell Dan to step off! Sorry...no offense.
Oy vey, Mair! I lost my entire identity to a controlling husband, so I think you know what my answer is to you. This isn't about the truck; it's about you being who you want to be and having the life you want.
I will be blunt: Are you happy? From reading your blog, I would say that you are decidedly unhappy. That makes me sad, because I went through the same thing. I have to respectfully disagree with Vicki; getting married does not mean you give up all your wordly possesions because they somehow define you. You do not have to submit to Dan in all things. Marriage is two people joining their lives together, not conforming to one person's lifestyle and definition of happiness.
I think you were very brave to take a chance on moving to Portland and trying a relationship with Dan. It has been a good life lesson for you.
Please forgive my boldness. I love you Mary Ann and I wouldn't say this if I didn't truly care about you: I don't think the truck is what you need to get rid of.
Mair.... I too sold my car (which I LOVED) shortly after we got married. Trav felt like we were getting to the point where we were putting more money into it then it was worth. Although I miss my car a lot.... It helped me realize that Trav was most important to me and not material things. Could you get a less costly truck that you could both agree on? I love you either way... with or without truck. Hope all is well.
I think that I will email you later. I think that the reason every one is aginst you selling your truck as you mentioned in your post is that you have sacrafised everything. Can he not see that? That makes me upset! You moved, you got a new job, you left your family and all your friends. What has he done? Would he survive without you? I mean financaly? What is he bringing to the table? I think that if you are not making it financily he needs to fix it. You have two very good paying jobs! I think that you giving up the truck is giving into him.(are you letting him read these? Maybe you should) What about your trip? That was so unselfish of you and that money went to his house to fix. While this is good to put your marrige first, He needs to see that you are all about sacrifise and he needs to step up. This is all so random and not well written. I will think about my words and email you. Please do not think this is in any way a bash on Dan I love him because you do, I just think that in this area he is wrong. Love you Mair and Dan
hhmm... I really just agree with Melissa. If you can afford it, keep it. If you can't afford it then sell it. I think all of these women who have commented are trying to read into your relationship when really if you asked Dan he's probably thinking it's just a simple matter of money.
I've come to realize that men definitely do not think like women. I always get myself in a huff about Taylor and the things he does or doesn't do and says or doesn't say, when in reality he has no idea that anything is wrong. Men are simple. If you sit down and tell him how you feel about the truck (i.e. your identity) you'll probably be surprised that he never even thought about it in that way (unless of course you've already talked about it and he's still wanting you to sell and then I revert back to my theory up top about affording and not affording the truck). It reminds me of the fight the couple had on Father of the Bride over the blender...
seriously, I doubt he's trying to smother or control you (which if he is, then drop him like a hot rock) but if you know that you and he are both pretty content with your marriage, then I say to you, is a truck really worth it. I think that you will find the answer is no.
Holy Hell Mair! You've given everything there is to give. Like Maria said, she said it very well.--very eloquently.
I too gave up everything, EVERTHING. It came to a point that I didn't know who I was...It's really not about the truck (though, you worked damned hard to get it) maybe it's about losing what remains of you.
And gosh damned it you’re paying the bloody bills, Lady. You took on a ton...emotionally, physically, and financially...let yourself have something, without the guilt.
Simple: You need to be happy, Mair. Bottom line.
That was me before...I wasn't finished.
Well, in another life, as your landlord and roomate I can witness that irresponsible or materialistic is absolutely opposite of you. If you feel like keeping it, there is probably a reason why. In an ideal place, each person would want the utmost of happiness for each individually and for the couple...that would mean he would want things that brought you joy and you would want things that brought him joy and if there was something that brought both of you joy, then that would be ideal. If you sell your truck, I don't think you lose your identity, you lose something you enjoy. Will it make Dan happy? Probably not, why would someone be happy if you didn't have something you enjoyed? I think everyone asks you because they know you really enjoyed it. I don't think marriage is about giving up things, it's about enjoying things together...like cool grass in your toes or new leather--could go either way, but being happy together is vitally important. Sacrifice does not equal happiness. I can't remember things I gave up when I got married because it became easy to give.
..I forget who I'm signed in under (don't ask)...I still don't know if I'm done with this topic. Sara said it well too. It's a give and take thing. But if one is always giving an the other is always taking...is that a well balance marriage? Healthy? Caring? Loving?
Again, it isn't about the truck, really. It goes deeper than that and you know that. The truck is superficial. Only you can make that decision. We as your friends can give you insight, understanding, advice, but only you can take it for what it's worth. Yeah, a couple of us here might be biased by bad marriages...but in your heart you know.
I'm catching up on reading your blog-- I got behind while I lived in Iowa. This post breaks my heart. :-(
Post a Comment