Holiday Festivities

Some of the fun I had in Vernal was baking cookies with Scott. 

Doesnt Scott look like a young Santa with his beard? I completely love it!

Scott wanted raspberry frosting for the sugar cookies. It was genius! AND delicious.

This picture shows the reality of me--but I had to document the fun we had making these cookies. I am so thankful Scott helped. He was tired after 12 hour work day yet he stayed and helped with the cookies and got them ready for delivery to friends.

Scott is very conscious about creating official dates. We went to a movie-We Bought a Zoo. It was a lovely movie. 

Another date night we went driving around looking at Christmas lights. We stopped for a treat at Farr's ice cream. Scott chose raspberry whip and we ate the whole thing! It was delicious. 

Scott was concerned about my lack of cold tolerance. I have lived in the mild northwest too long I guess. Well he stopped at a drive thru coffee stand and got me hot chocolate. I chose house blend hoping for a good cup to cocoa. Vernal did not disappoint! I sipped and was pleased to be drinking an almond joy. It was chocolaty, coconutty, and plain delicious! I cannot wait to have another one!

I came in one evening to this picture. It was priceless. For me this Kodak moment was the ultimate magic happy moment. I am so thankful for so many things and the main one is Scott. Because of him I have been taught so many things. I am so grateful to have him in my life.

I did not reach my goal as mentioned in last post. But I did throw away pictures of my married life.

I guess I will get there. 

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to everyone!

My friend Andrea Healton gave me a bear nativity set! I love love love it. She has been a friend for over a decade and I am grateful for her support. I am also grateful for the black bear. I have fond memories of my Grandpa Jones telling me stories of Greasy Bear and his adventures in Yellowstone. I have collected black bears for almost 15 years. I completely love my newest addition!

I spend Christmas with Scott. We had a wonderful dinner of steaks and shrimp. Scott was a master chef and I was the supporting table setter. I am so thankful to have somewhere to spend my holidays. 

Scott and I completely spoiled each other. I have enjoyed my days here in the cold Uintah Basin. I am torn. I dont want to go back to my empty apartment and to the cold rain. I am not ready to leave Dr M and the wonderful boss he is! I am ready to be closer to my parents. Although Portland affords me some distance which makes the separation from family easier to deal with. I am scared to get married again. I am afraid of failure. I know how to be single. I dont know why I cannot commit already. I have known Scott for 7 months. I feel I know him very well. He continues to impress me and show me the kind of man he is. I am thankful for the trials we have had and the hardships that have brought us together. He is not comfortable being single and is so patient while I try to work through my fear of failure. 

I have hopes of working through it soon. My goal this week has been to set a date for marriage before I leave for Portland. I am closer to picking a day than I was a week ago, but afraid to solidify and commit. 

Who Gets Access to My Life?

I have been wondering for weeks what to post. I am a woman who uses words and writing to get my feelings and emotions out and processed. I have not been able to through my blog which has been hard. I feel censored on here. I cannot write how my hearts hurts and how my heart soars with happiness. I want to be able to write what I want and not hurt feelings.

I am in Vernal spending Christmas with Scott. I am thrilled to be here in the cold. There is a satisfaction of playing house-cooking etc that I have never experienced before. Yet I cannot fully enjoy the experience. It is killing me.

Other side note for journal purposes-Dan has been back in Portland for one week. He has been in USA for about two. He calls and texts often. I rarely respond. I did today. He texted asking if my dental office took tricare dental insurance. I said I didnt know and that I didnt think it was a good idea for him to come to my office. I am still floored that he even thought about coming to the office! My co-workers witnessed the ugliness. Dan is definitely not welcome there. ugh.

Best Date so Far

Saturday November 26, 2011 was a great day. It is my favorite day with Scott so far. We spent the day in the Salt Lake City area. It started off with an early matinee of Breaking Dawn-yup I saw it and I liked it!

Both of us are looking at purchasing a car. We test drove one and sat in many. We laughed over the persistence of car salesmen. We skipped lunch. We were starving! And the salesman would not let us go! We finally escaped and went on the search for food.

I saw McGrath's Fish House.

Scott ordered an appetizer sampler. It had shrimp crostinis with balsamic reduction, crab cake, chicken kabobs,  and hummus. My favorite was the crostinis and the crab cake!!!!

Scott ordered two items that were new to us. The above is Halibut with a pear glaze and pear compote, veggies and penne. DELISH

Below is their Bay City Salmon-stuffed with a crab mix and covered in some kind of sauce that was completely wonderful.

Scott ordered a raspberry lemonade. It was so good that my plan was when our amazing waitress Rebecca brought refills I was going to change my drink order. Well she was so on it that she brought a vanilla lemonade for me to try. It was a new flavor combination that I really enjoyed. 

After dinner we went to Temple Square and checked out the lights.

I was touched so much by the reflection pool and the manger scene there. I cried.

After seeing everything Temple Square had to offer we were walking and noticed a particularly energetic horse pulling a carriage. He did not want to wait for other cars, he was ready to go and prance and have some fun in the brisk evening air. His personality was priceless.

Scott and I walked to The Melting Pot for dessert! It was his first time being there. I ran to the little girls room and came back to champagne glasses full of sparkling peach and passion fruit juice! It was so romantic and I loved it. We had the bananas foster for dessert. It was a perfectly spiritual, romantic, satisfying, comfortable, thoughtful, day I have had with Scott yet! I am oh so very lucky!

Side note: Scott talked to my dad alone for about an hour. . . . He is the first man to ask my dad for my hand. I am so happy! and scared. . .  and happy. . . . and scared. . . . .

Happy Thanksgiving

What a wonderful Thanksgiving I had. 

Here is our table. Complete with Grandma Mabel Jones china set. It was so nice to see the print and eat the lovely dinner on the dishes.  

My niece Shay and a great stuffed turkey!

There was a personal family debate about the turkey and as usual my mom gave up what she wanted in lieu of what her children wanted. Regardless-it is a great turkey-gobble gobble as my nephew would say!

I am so thankful for my family and the great people they are. We have our hard times and we have our fun times. I try to see everyone and sometimes get my feelings hurt when things dont turn out the way I thought. 

I am still thankful for them.

Happy Birthday Jo

Let's start this party with a shot of the leaves 2 days before I left Portland. Later this day a large storm came in and blew and rained and smashed the leaves to the ground in one afternoon. The resulting gutter clogs and slippery sidewalks that followed were epic to behold. I do love the red leaves though. They were picturesque and serene!  

Shortly after getting to Utah I was met my Scott. We spent Friday together just being together. It was wonderful being with him again. Saturday was a short lovely funeral of my aunt. It is great knowing I will see her and all my other loved ones again after my time in this life. 

Fast forward to Tuesday 11-22-11

Jo Ann's birthday!  

She planned her own party. What a champ huh?  

We were treated to spaghetti tacos! Yes i Carly is the inspiration for this birthday feast. Our brother Daniel was quite skeptical. 

Here is proof I ate them also. After taking a bite I commented to the party that the tacos were like Jo--Good but a little bit weird! 

After tacos we made turkeys out of cookies and candies. My niece and nephew both needed their tongues to help create their holiday treats. 

Shay finished hers and was quite proud that it survived the nibbles! 

I had knitted Jo Ann a head band wrap thing. Everyone is wearing them this season. She had sent me a picture of what she wanted on facebook. I found a pattern and proceeded to learn to knit. After several attempts I finally finished it and I am quite proud of the result. It is quite cute! I love the button in the back and the cool button I got form moms button bucket for the flower! It was so fun to try something new!

It was a great great great first days of being in Utah!

Stone vs. Silpat

You know me and my experiments with cooking. I had recently purchased a silpat from Demarle and a stone cooking sheet from Pampered Chef. I had to test them out and determine which pan baked the best. 

Above are the cookies baked on the stone.

Below are the cookies baked on the silpat.

My Findings:

Above are stone. They are flatter and crispier and cooked longer.

Below are silpat. They are thicker, chewier, with crispy bottom.

Depending how you like your cookies there is a pan for you. I liked the silpat!

Hippie style

I love having flowers delivered to me at work. Well who doesn't?  Last Tuesday, the day after Scott left he had these calla lilies delivered to me. 

This next picture is of a tree I can see from my opertory window. 

I am fascinated by Oregon's fall season. It is November 8th and there are still many trees that are mostly green. I know many are all yellow and many leaves have fallen, but I still see green. In less than 10 days I leave to spend Thanksgiving in Utah. It seems weird to have green leaves still on the trees this late in the year. I am not complaining at all. In fact I love it. I love that fall is such a long season here in the Northwest. I love the crisp days especially when those days are dry. It has been wonderful to experience life hippie style!

Even though I still laugh inside when my patients plop down in the chair with their coach handbag, gucci glasses, prada shoes and their legs are full on hairy!

Surprise!

Saturday morning Scott surprised me by showing up at my front door. I kinda knew he was flying out. He did cover his tracks pretty good by saying he was sleeping in so I would not be suspicious when he did not text back. 

With Scott in town and the sun shining I took full advantage of the fun and we went through the fruit loop. I enjoyed it so much the second time-I am sure it was the company. 

The picture above is of Mt Hood. Covered in snow and a lone cloud on the peak. Many of the stops were closed for the year and there was so much less traffic this weekend. I introduced Scott to Honey Crisp apples. He is a huge fan as many of you are.

Scott gave me an ice cream ball for my half birthday. We filled it up and were rolling it around

It was so much fun and delish!

I had a wonderful weekend and was spoiled to death by Scott. I am not accustomed to having whatever I want. I think I could get used to living with someone again. I worry I am not ready. So I will slow down and take my time and enjoy this part of the ride.

The Fruit Loop

I have lived in Portland for three years now. I have wanted to do The Fruit Loop for a couple of years now. I first learned about it from a patient of mine. It is a loop starting at Hood River and going up toward Mt Hood and looping back. Hood River is about 40 minutes outside of Portland. 

My friend Janice and I went this year. Our original goal was to stop at 2 of the 33 stops. We did not want to be all day. Well Janice stopped at a few extra places. The first stop was Rasmussen's Fruit and Flower Farm. 

The field of U-Cut Flowers with some colorful leaves in the background. We stopped at a glass blowers studio and watched pro and amateur blow vases, glasses, bowls. I have seen glass blowing before and still amazed at such a skill.

We wanted to stop at Daisy Girls Fruit Stand because they were advertising Hot Apple Cider and Donuts. We arrived and were disappointed that hot apple cider was in a thermos and the donuts looked like yesterdays old donuts. My hope was still alive because they also advertised flavored ciders-apple and pear cider, cherry and apple cider, etc. But alas they only had apple cider when I was there. Disappointed we headed to the next stop. 

Mt View Orchards Inc & Fruit Stands was celebrating Swiss German "Edelweiss Days".

Of course at every stop were several varieties of apples and pears and squash and gords. I saw a bin of Eves Delight apples. They were larger than my hand. I wear a medium latex glove. I could also wear a large if needed. So I have big hands. This apple was so large I could not get my fingers around it.

Eves Delight is the largest apple I have ever seen. It is a tart, crisp apple that would be perfect for baking-well that is my opinion after tasting a slice.

As part of the Edelweiss Days they were having German sausage, potatoes, applesauce, kraut, and struesel. It was pretty good. I admit I ate all the potatoes. The dish was made with apples, potatoes and bacon-no onion and I loved it! Maybe all these years it is the onion I have hated in potato dishes and I really actually do like potatoes. Hmmmm

Our next stop took us to Apple Valley Country Store and Bakery. 

You know you are in the country when you park in the pasture and white lines have been pained on the ground-ha ha ha

I loved this stop. It was one of the last and I think I will do the loop backwards next time I do it. This place rocked. They were cooking apple butter out front and selling fry bread and apple butter. They dough was fried right there while you waited and the apple butter was warm from the 9 hours of reduction cooking.

It was so delicious! 

Inside the bakery were every kind of wonderful fruit pie. The assortment of preserves, syrups, mustards, butters (like apple butter and pumpkin butter), pie filling, bottled fruit, and general yumminess.

I purchased a bottle of apple cider syrup. It was absolutely delicious on my German pancake yesterday! 

I had a wonderful day full of apples, pears, colored leaves, beautiful fields and country air. It was a wonderful day!

Changing and Growing

This is the tree this week. It has changed so much. I wonder how I have changed. 

Seasons of Change

This is a tree on the edge of the parking lot at church. I love how the colors are just turning. Fall is a wonderful time of year. It is harvest time, apple time, pumpkin time, pre-holiday time, and change time.

Change is hard. I dont like it. Yet I grow the most from it. I am thankful for the many changes in my life. I am so blessed and like this beautiful tree I cannot stop the change so I might as well enjoy the experience and be as proud as I can be. 

Infertile by Default

I just read a blog post about infertility (read here)  It was moving and I could feel this woman's pain she has experienced as an LDS woman who did not follow the popular time table. I am a whirlwind of emotion after reading this.

I am unsure if I am infertile. I am 37 years old. I dont have a child. I am purposefully infertile. I realized recently that I did in fact choose not to have a baby. I have lived a celibate lifestyle. I chose and choose to life that life. ME. I am childless because of MY choices.  More accurately I choose not to have extramarital sex therefore as a consequence of that choice I do not get to have my own baby. While I was married for 18 months I did not try to have a baby. I chose that. I will not go into the details of that decision but I know it was the right one.

As a result of my 'temple worthy' life I get to sit in primary and hear teachers, parents, leaders, 'brothers' and 'sisters' tell me how wonderful I am with children and it must be because I dont have to deal with them on a daily basis. I hear how I am lucky to be able to sleep in, how lucky I am to not have to spend $110 on baseball equipment, how lucky I am not to have to talk to my child about porn, how I am a wonderful daughter of God and how I will be blessed with children in the next life. I hear how hard it is to be a unappreciated mother and wife, how difficult homework is, how tough coaxing vegetables into a  young body. I guess I hear the bad. Because what I see is the love and adoration. I see the fun of cupcake making, the fun of playing Candyland, the fun of sheet forts and trick or treating. I see the wonder and magic of Christmas through a child-how wonderful it must be to see it through your own child and not from the sidelines.

As a result of following the commandments I am alone. I cannot blame anyone. It is my choice. I choose not to settle for a man who is not someone I can be happy with for eternity. I choose not to sleep around and have 3 babies from 3 different fathers. I choose to be infertile.

I guess that means purposeful infertility doesnt hurt. Since I choose this I cant be so lonely and sad that I stay home from church on Mother's Day to avoid the comments. I choose to be single and alone so I must not ache to have my own family to cook Thanksgiving dinner for. My heart must not yearn to have family home evenings with more than myself. My mind does not imagine how it would be to teach my child how to bake a pie or read a book.

I dont understand why I get to be alone. But I do know it is because of my choices. I wonder how the Church would react to me getting artificially inseminated. I know the Church does not condone single parent households and I know that sex outside of marriage has disciplinary actions attached but what does medically induced pregnancy mean? I told 2 women in my ward. Both were shocked and horrified that I would think such a thing. So I guess pregnancy is only for certain worthy women??? Or I am not woman enough to be a mother?

I dont know the answers. I dont understand. I know it is my choice. While infertility is painful and sad I am jealous because they have a spouse.

Computer

Meet my new laptop. It is red. It is huge. It smells new. It is a blessing to me.

This is the comparison shot of my new laptop and my mini. Dan left me the mini and he took both of the laptops when he moved out. I have been using it for the last two years. My fingers are used to the small keys and the close spaces and the punctuation marks being in different places. I am struggling typing right this second due to my muscle memory! I need to relearn how to type like an adult with a real laptop. What a wonderful challenge!

I have a CD drive now! I can access my music now! Oh and I have a huge screen and can see so much!

Now truly I was thankful to my mini for getting me through the months and months of being alone. I felt so isolated during and after my divorce. Blogging and internet dating/chatting kept me alive. I am so thankful to that little guy for working so hard and even though I could not even download a music video without delay it kept chugging along. I am so proud of the little guy.

See ya later Mini

Now to the hard part. Where the new laptop came from. This has been the angst my week.

Dan has been in Afghanistan. He called me a month ago asking if he could stay at my apartment while he was on leave in sept/oct. I said no and to stay with his harlot. He said he could not stay with her. I felt bad that he has no one to help him and then I realized I didnt want to help the man. I stuck to my no. Dan arrives in Portland the same week Scott arrived to visit me. Dan stayed away knowing that Scott was in town. Well last Sunday I was leaving for church. I dont have a vehicle and need to take the bus. I leave for church one hour before it starts. Dan knew this. He showed up at my apartment to give me a ride. I would not let him into the apartment knowing Scott would freak out. But I did accept a ride. He took me to church. We sat in the parking lot for about 30 min discussing life. I remember looking at him and thinking-I dont feel any connection or attraction to this man anymore. About that time Dan said to me, 'I feel I owe you something, but dont know what.' In reality Dan owes me a lot. I had let it go and chose to forget. We parted ways without so much as a hug. 

After church I read a text from Dan saying he left me something at the leasing office. I get home and get the gift. It was a brand new laptop. Now Dan had recently told me he was going to see me on his leave and give me one his laptops. This infuriated me. I told him I did not want his hand-me-downs. So that Sunday when I noticed that he bought me a brand new laptop I was a little irked. I called him and asked him to come pick it up that I could not accept such a thing. He said he owed me and started listing the things he owed me for and I was thinking-yup he does owe me. I knew Scott would not like me accepting gifts from my ex. I was in a vortex of confliction. If I kept the laptop I would hurt Scott. If I returned it and got store credit and bought something else that item (most likely a big tv) would be just like the laptop. I would be dumb to destroy a brand new laptop. I need a new laptop. The mini is failing. I realize Heavenly Father blessed me with what I needed to stay in touch with friends and family, so I thanked Him and opened the box.

I am so thankful that I saw Dan it was like a switch was flipped. I am me again. I am happy. Truly deeply happy inside. I am calm. I am level headed. I suddenly dont think of mean emails to send Dan. I dont add the money he owes me. I dont revisit the hurt. It is done. Dan asked me to come back. I said no. I cannot believe it. I am done. Today I noticed the music playing on the radio at the sandwich shop and at work AND I enjoyed it deep down in my soul. I remember the moment music was killed. I remember the moment my muchness was killed. I am grateful to this laptop. I am grateful for the happiness of this hard moment we call life! 

Epiphany

I had closure this weekend. Dan showed up. We talked. I moved on.

I immediately noticed a change in myself. I was happier, lighter, and freer than I had been in a long time. Today the thing that made me happiest was sitting in Jimmy Johns on my lunch break and hearing an old Green Day song on the radio. While an old song is nothing to write about, the soul soothing, toe tingling, heart leaping, finger tapping, lip moving is. It has been quite a long time since music touched me like that. I have ached for it and tried to recapture it, and today I caught it! I am so thrilled.

As a tribute to my 'apostrophe' I would like to dedicate this song . . . . I still cannot listen to it without crying. It truly is me singing about Dan.

I Cut Scott's Junior Off

Scott had a fibroma on his cheek. It started off small and a place he bit his cheek. Well through the years he was stressed and bit the same place on his cheek over and over and over creating a large fibroma. Scott lovingly named him Junior. Well Junior was large enough to be into Scott's occlusion. It needed to be removed. 

I had the honor of cutting it off  last week. I got him numb and took a blade and started cutting it. I was so scared. I started cutting and it was tough and I needed to 'saw' it. I realized I should not have to and went deeper into the cheek where the blade slid right through the tissues. It was wonderful. Scott was holding a surgical suction tip so it would not go down his throat. I did not have an assistant available because I was doing this surgery after hours in the office. I am pretty sure I am not licensed to do this. 

Scott wanted to cut it open to see what was inside-cartilage or fibrous tissue. I was amazed it did not bleed that much.

Junior was a surprising 1 inch big. I am really disappointed that I did not get a 'before' picture. sigh.

It will likely be the largest fibroma I will ever see. 

Scott has healed completely.  In 24 hours the wound in his cheek had shrunk to a sewing pin-head size. I am amazed at the healing abilities of the human mouth. I am even more impressed with my surgical skills! Scott hardly has a bump where I cut Junior off.

I was scared to cut into Scott-now that it is over I feel awesome! What a high! 

Scott is a Blessing to me.

Scott spoiled me so much during the week he was here. He took me to dinner every day-except Sunday where we cooked together at home. He drove me to work every day, came back for lunch, and picked me up after work. He bought me trinkets everywhere we went. 

He had flowers delivered at work! He thought of little details to ensure my happiness.

Thursday after work Scott and I flew to SLC. We met with my siblings and friend Andrea for dinner on Friday night. It was wonderful being with my family! I love them so much. 

Saturday Scott and I went to General Conference. It was amazing. It was my first time going to Conference. I have been in the conference center before and I am still amazed at the size of the building. It holds 21,000 people. It was completely packed! Filling and emptying a building that large is a process! I am again impressed with the efficiency of the LDS church. There is such a simple order of how things are done and organized. I love it. I also love how when President Monson entered the room it got completely silent. I doubt President Obama has that kind of power-to silence 21,000 people. 

I was so happy sitting there with Scott. He is a good man. A man I am proud of. 

I have been back in Portland for about 5 hours and my heart aches because he is not with me.

It was a beautiful day in SLC. I was trying to take a pic of us at the top of the Conference Center and a young woman stopped to help us out.

As I said I have been home for about 5 hours and I am missing Scott something fierce. I walked into my apartment and found it speckled with sticky notes.The ones on the couch say--my spot and your spot. They were everywhere, the door, the cupboard, the mirror, the thermostat, the fridge etc. Scott had written sweet things like-you have my heart, I miss you, etc. It made me sob when I saw them. I am not taking them down until my homesick heart feels better! 

I am so blessed to have Scott in my life.

On a personal side note-Dan is on leave and is here in Portland. He has tried to call me and text me and email me. He wants to give me his old computer. I admit my mini is dying and I need to get a new computer. But I am not taking the one from Dan. He should have given it to me last year. It has been sitting unused for a year. 

Now he wants to give it to me-now he wants to see me-now he wants to try again-now he isn't my life-now he isn't my joy-

Columbia Gorge and Oregon Coast

After our great day of eating Scott and I went through the Columbia River Gorge.

This is the view of Washington from the Vista House. It was a cloudy yet dry day.

Scott and I went on a small hike to Bridal Veil Falls. We had to stop to observe and help this large banana slug. 

The trees are very large and old in Oregon

I have lived in Oregon for 3 years and I guess that makes me a tree hugger. . . 

Scott was such a champ going with me to all the great waterfalls and looking at leaves and nature. He even took this pic of us at the waterfall.

I had to catch Scott coming out of the bathroom ha ha ha

So he caught me. yikes!

Monday we went to Astoria, Oregon. Home of the Goonies movie set.

Here is the house. . . We also saw the football field. It was pretty cool.

This is the amazing bridge spanning the Columbia River and joining Oregon to Wahsington. This is also where the river meets the ocean. 

This is the Astoria column. It was decorated with great drawings and was a beautiful tall column. As you can tell it was cloudy, rainy, windy, and cold.

The view from the ground up into the column-164 stairs. I was huffing and had to stop frequently.

It was so worth it once we got to the top. The wind was so strong and cold up there were instantly had rosey cheeks and my hair was out of control! There were gusts that took my breath away. The view was beautiful and worth climbing up.

A close up of the column. It was so much more impressive in person!

We drove down Highway 101 to the town of Cannon Beach so we could take pictures of Haystack rock-the rocks in the Goonies movie.

We stopped at Doogers for lunch.My sister Lori had send me a letter with $ in it for Scott and I to have a romantic day at the beach. The day we were able to go was cold and rainy and windy. So we did not get to stroll on the beach hand-in-hand but we did have a great lunch full of sea food-halibut, cod, salmon, calamari, oysters. It started off with amazing clam chowder. I even liked it-which I usually dont. I had yummy clam strips. It was a wonderful lunch-thank you Lori

The sea was choppy and frothy! Scott pulled over to let me take a picture. He pulled so close to the cliff I panicked. It was so scared. We were in a rental car (Toyota Prius) and I swear my tire was inches away from the cliff. Scott says we were feet away from the edge. My heart did not believe him and pounded away. I took the picture with the electric/telephone wire in the way because I was too worried about dying in the rain!

We  had a great 2 days in the Gorge and the Coast! I am so blessed Scott is in my life!